#URBAN DICTIONARY: #Black Don’t Crack: The skin of African Americans does not wrinkle and show age as much as individuals from other ethnic backgrounds.
Why did I choose the name “My Black is Not Cracking?” Well, for years I had heard that phrase. Well into my 30’s I would get carded and there would be a surprising response upon inspection of my driver’s license. If the guy carding me happened to be African American, I would often hear that phrase. “Black don’t crack.” I used to think it was funny. And it felt like a compliment. I mean who doesn’t want to be mistaken for someone younger?
And that is the issue that bugs me the most now. Why are we all so obsessed with being mistaken for someone younger? With Anti-Aging? Why is it not okay to be the age that you are? Why do we live in such a youth obsessed culture? I totally understand that looking good makes us feel good, but what I want to get to is “feeling good, making us look good!”
I don’t mean to be the bearer of bad news, but black most certainly does crack. It might crack slowly, but it cracks! I’m watching it crack…daily. And I feel bad about it, but should I? Yes, it is true the skin of African Americans doesn’t wrinkle as fast as it does for those of other ethnic backgrounds. But, as good as we may look on the outside, we disproportionately suffer from hypertension, diabetes and obesity.
Now not to get too deep into the science of why black skin doesn’t crack as fast, in a nutshell it’s because of the type of melanin found in our skin. We are walking around with natural sunscreen on. And the darker our skin, the more UV protection we get. Further, we have a type of collagen in our skin that also helps prevent sun damage.
I found this in an article in the paper some months back, that Skin specialist and aesthetician Bianca Estelle, also states that we typically have a higher oil content, so we have a natural skin hydration system that makes black skin look hydrated and smoother. In the same article, Dr. Almaani stated that although our skin does well with sun, it is still prone to discoloration, pigmentation issues from sun exposure and hormonal effects.
Another doctor, Boris Paskhover, again, same article, who is a facial plastic surgeon stated that black faces also maintain structural support longer. We are born with denser bones in our face that don’t break down as quickly as other ethnicities.
So, those are the reasons that our faces take longer to crack. In addition, we are less prone to osteoporosis. But what I really want to address is not just how we look, but how we feel. (Inside and out) Why was I so devastated when I looked in the mirror one day and pretty much every day since? (with my glasses on!) When did my face shape turn into a square?
Why are we obsessed with anti-aging, instead of aging well, with style, grace and dignity? Why is the anti-aging industry revenue projected to be some $400 BILLION, by 2027? Why do many seem to be more concerned with their face, than their bodies, minds and spirit?
That is what this is about. The title was just to get your attention. Intrigued? Offended? Curious? Whatever. You got here. I hope you will stick around because this is for all women AND those that love them.
I used to believe that holding on was a sign of loyalty. That endurance meant strength. That if something or someone had been part of my life for a long time, I owed it permanence.
There comes a moment in life, sometimes quietly, sometimes like a lightening bolt, when you realize that certain things, habits, and even people no longer fit who you’ve become.
Not because they’re bad.
Not because you’re better.
But because you’ve grown.
Growth has a way of rearranging everything. What once felt familiar can begin to feel heavy. What once energized you can start to drain you. And relationships that once made sense may no longer align with the person you are becoming.
This is where shedding begins.
Letting go isn’t an act of cruelty. It’s an act of honesty. It’s acknowledging that holding on to what no longer serves you comes at a cost. That cost might be your peace, your clarity, or your ability to move forward.
There comes a quiet moment and sometimes after a season of discomfort, sometimes after a single, unmistakable realization, when you recognize that what once fit you no longer does. The conversations feel forced. The spaces feel smaller. The version of you that once thrived there feels like a past life.
Admitting that is painful.
I have talked a lot about grief and the loss over loved ones and friends over the past few years, but rarely does anyone talk about the grief that comes with becoming. We celebrate growth, but we don’t always acknowledge what it costs. Because growth often requires shedding; shedding layers, identities, relationships, and even dreams.
There is real pain in outgrowing people and places. There is grief in recognizing that a chapter has ended, even if it was beautiful while it lasted. We often mourn not just what was, but what we hoped it would continue to be. And that grief deserves space.
I’ve learned that not everything that was right for you once is meant to walk with you forever. And that doesn’t make those people or moments less meaningful. It just means their purpose in your life has changed.
Some relationships don’t end with explosions. (Sometimes they DO!) They fade. They soften. They shift into something quieter and more distant. I’ve had to learn that loving someone doesn’t always mean keeping them close. Sometimes it means wishing them well from afar. Sometimes, the healthiest choice is to love people from a distance.
Shedding also applies to things like roles we’ve outgrown, expectations we never chose, beliefs that once protected us, but now limit us. We carry so much without questioning whether it still belongs to us. Growth asks us to check in and decide what we’re willing to keep carrying forward.
Here’s the hard truth: growth is not comfortable. It’s disruptive. It asks for courage and a willingness to sit with discomfort. But stagnation is far more dangerous. Because if you are not growing, you are slowly dying, and not always physically, but emotionally, creatively, spiritually. You begin to shrink yourself to fit spaces you’ve already outgrown. That kind of distance can feel like betrayal. Especially when you’re the one choosing it.
I’ve wrestled with guilt. With second-guessing. With the fear of being misunderstood. But over time, I’ve realized that abandoning myself to keep others comfortable is not kindness. It’s self-erasure.
Letting go has forced me to confront who I am now, not who I used to be or who others expect me to remain. It’s required honesty about what drains me and what sustains me. It’s meant releasing old roles that I played well.
And yes, it has hurt. It ain’t easy.
There are moments when I miss versions of my life that no longer exist. When I wonder if I’ve changed too much. When I feel the ache of absence where familiarity once lived. It can be a lonely place to be. But I am also starting to feel something else. Relief.
I’ve come to understand that growth is not optional. You’re either expanding, or you’re slowly shrinking. You’re either evolving, or you are quietly fading. Letting go is not failure. It’s evidence that you are listening to your intuition and your needs. It’s proof you are becoming.
So, I’m learning to release with grace. To honor what was without forcing it to remain. To trust that making space is an act of faith that something more fitting, more nourishing will eventually fill it.
This is what growth looks like for me now.
And I’m choosing it, even when it hurts.
Photo by Thirdman : https://www.pexels.com/photo/a-text-saying-move-on-made-from-tiles-with-letters-lying-on-pink-background-5981365/
Happy Holidays to All!
I will be taking the rest of the year off for self-care and family care. My daughter is navigating a temporary MS setback, and right now my priority is being fully present for her, my grandson, and for myself.
This season, I’m choosing to reset. To guide us both through a detox of both body and mind. To slow down. To give my family, and myself, the gift of time, rest, and space to heal.
I’ll be back in 2026; healthier, clearer, and happier. Thank you for understanding and for all the love and support.
Daily Habits That Add Years to Your Life. GOOD ONES!
Many believe that longevity is written in our DNA, but research shows lifestyle plays a bigger role than genetics. In fact, scientists estimate only about 20% of how long we live is genetic; the other 80% depends on daily choices. You read that right. It means we control 80% of how we age. So, before you get to Googling “eternal youth potions,” let’s talk about some simple, realistic, and even fun ways to stack the longevity odds in your favor. And before you roll your eyes, the habits that can add years to your life don’t require giving up joy, flavor, or fun. You won’t have to survive on kale and regret!
Getting Older Isn’t the Problem—Feeling Old Is
There are days our knees crack louder than a bowl of sugar-laden rice crispies cereal, and we forget why we walked into a room. But the good news is that how long we live (and how good those years feel) isn’t just a result of luck or genetics. It’s about consistency. It’s about choosing, day after day to do the little things that keep us not just living, but thriving.
1. Move Daily (Preferably More Than Just to the Fridge)
No, you don’t need to go to the gym (but it’s a good idea!) run marathons or lift like a competitive body builder. Just move! Walk, stretch, dance, garden, or chase the dog. As little as 30 minutes of activity can lower disease risk and boost your mood.
2. Eat Real Food (If the ingredients include a long list of crap you can’t even pronounce, it’s not real food!)
The secret to long life doesn’t come in a box, bag, or plastic containers. Stick to whole, colorful foods that once grew in the ground, ate from the ground, or swam in the sea.
Load your plate with veggies, fruits, beans, nuts, and olive oil. It’s the kind of diet that fuels your body and keeps you feeling energetic. And yes, a sweet treat can be part of a well-balanced mental health plan but earn it!
3. Sleep Deeply (Because Coffee Can Only Hide So Much)
There was a time when we thought staying up all night was cool. Nope! It’s always been stupid. Now, a good night’s sleep feels like winning the lottery. Deep, consistent rest gives your body time to repair, recharge, and regulate.
Try setting a bedtime, dim the lights, and resist the urge to scroll through your phone until your eyes glaze over. You’ll wake up sharper, calmer, and maybe even nicer.
4. Stay Connected (Humans, Not Wi-Fi)
One of the best longevity hacks has nothing to do with diet or exercise. It’s relationships. Meaningful connection with friends, family, or your community reduces stress, improves mental health, and keeps you young at heart. Strong relationships are like vitamins for your soul. Laughing with friends, checking in with family, joining a club, or volunteering all help. Loneliness is just bad for your health, and let’s be honest, nobody wants to turn into that person arguing with the toaster. Connection keeps us grounded, joyful, and mentally sharp.
So, grab coffee or even a glass of wine with a friend, join a club, or call that person you’ve been meaning to.
5. Keep Learning (Because Curiosity Is the Real Fountain of Youth)
A curious mind is a youthful mind. Learn something new—take a class, read that book, try pickleball, or figure out what TikTok actually is. (Okay, maybe skip that last one.) The point is, keep your brain busy and your curiosity alive.
Whether it’s reading, taking a class, learning a new skill, or mastering technology, lifelong learning keeps your brain sharp and your spirit engaged.
Blue Zones Secrets: What We Can Learn from the World’s Longest-Living People
I have mentioned this in a previous post or two, but it’s worth repeating in case you missed it. Around the world, researchers have identified “Blue Zones” which are regions where people live well into their 90s and 100s with vitality and purpose. No miracle drugs or extreme diets here; just simple, consistent living.
Here’s what they all seem to have in common:
- Eat mostly plants. Beans, greens, and whole grains are daily staples.
- Move naturally. Walking, gardening, and household chores keep them strong without the need for gym memberships.
- Purpose matters. Having a reason to get up every morning adds years to their lives and meaning to their days.
- Connection is key. Family and community ties are strong; nobody goes it alone.
- Stress relief is daily. Whether it’s prayer, naps, meditation, or happy hour, (yes, really!) they know how to unwind.
Their secret? Joyful, intentional living. They don’t chase youth, they embrace life fully, one simple choice at a time.
The Bottom Line: Longevity Is a Lifestyle
Living longer isn’t about perfection. It’s about consistency. Move a little more. Eat something real. Sleep deeply. Stay connected. Keep learning. Laugh often.
You don’t have to chase youth when you’re busy enjoying your life. The goal isn’t just adding years to your life, it’s adding life to your years.
A little humor, a few naps, and a lot of love go a long way toward keeping you young.
You don’t need to become a fitness influencer or start drinking kale smoothies at sunrise. Just make small, steady choices that help you feel better, laugh more, and live longer.
Make one tiny, healthy shift this week. Swap soda for water, stretch in the morning, or add an extra vegetable to your plate. Small changes stack up to big results.
The habits that add years are simple, yet powerful:
- Move daily. Even 30 minutes of walking lowers risk of disease.
- Eat real food. Whole, colorful foods nourish the body better than anything in a box which is typically fake food.
- Sleep deeply. Rest allows your body to repair, strengthen, and reset.
- Stay connected. Meaningful relationships reduce stress and support brain health.
- Keep learning. A curious mind is a youthful mind.
Why Staying Active is Essential as We Age
“If you can’t fly, then run. If you can’t run, then walk. If you can’t walk, then crawl, but whatever you do, you have to keep moving forward.” ―Martin Luther King Jr.
Aging is a natural part of life, but how we age is largely in our control. So, what’s one of the most powerful tools we have? Movement. It is that simple. GTHUAM. Come on texters! You can figure that one out.
Staying active isn’t just about looking good, although for us somewhat vain individuals it is a motivating factor! It’s about maintaining physical strength, mobility, and your independence. That “I’m falling, and I can’t get up” situation is real ya’ll.
Whether it’s walking, yoga, strength training, or dancing, movement plays a crucial role in not just your physical health, but your mental, and emotional well-being. If you don’t move now, you won’t be able to later. My friends and family hear me say this all the time. My granddaughter used to call me the drill sergeant behind my back. And that is perfectly fine with me. I will proudly own that title if it means that I am helping others. It’s true. I am constantly on those I love to get up and move. I’ve also said repeatedly, “selfcare is not selfish.” I have no desire to become a burden to anyone in the future and as selfish as it may sound, not really interested in taking one on!
Recently, I tried that test of trying to lower myself to a seating position on the floor and getting up without using my hands. It was a struggle, but I am proud to say I did it! It has been said that balance plays a role in longevity. I have noticed that even my balance isn’t what it was. I tried balancing on one leg which used to be easy, holding a weight no less! Not so much these days. #Goals!
As we age, unfortunately we lose muscle. As a result, we become weaker. Research suggests that activities like walking and easy strength-training moves improve strength even in very old, frail adults. Sorry. I have no desire to be “frail!”
It is never too late to get started. Please don’t use age as an excuse. Like Nike says, “Just do it!” You can start with bodyweight exercises and eventually you’ll be able to add some light hand weights. No one is suggesting you train to become a competitive body builder here! All things in moderation.
At this point, unless you’ve been living under a rock, I’m sure you’ve heard of the Blue Zones. If not, a gentleman by the name of Dan Buettner went on this expedition to uncover the secrets of longevity in what has become known as the Blue Zones. Blue Zones are geographic regions around the world where people seem to live significantly longer than average; often exceeding the age of 100! The following areas have been recognized as Blue Zones:
- Okinawa, Japan
- Sardinia, Italy
- Nicoya Peninsula, Costa Rica
- Icaria, Greece
- Loma Linda, California, USA
It is believed that certain lifestyle factors have contributed to their residents’ longevity. One of those factors? (Bet you guessed correctly!) REGULAR physical activity. Movement! And no, they don’t frequent Planet Fitness or have memberships to Lifetime Fitness. They have movement incorporated into their daily lives. Simply taking a walk or getting up frequently, which shouldn’t be hard considering the number of times you have to use the bathroom as you age! Household chores. Gardening. Taking the stairs when presented with that option. (And if you need to, please hold on to the railing!) There are of course, other factors associated with their longevity, but for now, let’s focus on one. MOVING YOUR ASS!
Exercise isn’t just about fitness. It’s about freedom. The freedom to move without pain, to carry groceries with ease, to travel, to play with grandchildren, to dance. Movement literally keeps us alive.
So, how will moving your ass benefit you, you ask? Well, you didn’t, but here goes!
1. Protects Bone and Joint Health
As women age, the risk of osteoporosis and joint-related issues increases. Regular weight-bearing exercises like walking, strength training, or yoga help maintain bone density and reduce the risk of fractures. Movement also keeps joints lubricated. And trust me, as women age, we need all the lubrication we can get. (Insert big eye emoji here!) But I will get to that in another post!
2. Supports Heart Health
Cardiovascular disease remains a leading cause of death among women, but movement can help combat that risk. Engaging in aerobic activities such as brisk walking, swimming, or cycling improves heart function, lowers blood pressure, and reduces the risk of heart disease.
3. Enhances Muscle Strength and Balance
Loss of muscle mass is common with age, leading to weakness and a higher risk of falls. Strength training and balance exercises such like Pilates or tai chi, help maintain muscle tone, improve coordination, and keep the body strong and stable.
4. Boosts Mood and Mental Health
Exercise isn’t just good for the body; I’m pretty sure I’d be in a looney bin if I didn’t exercise. It does wonders for your mood and mental health. Physical activity releases endorphins, the body’s natural “feel-good” hormones, helping to combat stress, anxiety, and depression. Studies show that movement can also reduce the risk of cognitive decline. (Keeping memory sharp as we age so you can remember what you went into the kitchen for? Or where you left your keys.)
5. Improves Flexibility and Mobility
Tight muscles and reduced range of motion can make everyday activities more challenging. Stretching and mobility exercises such as yoga or gentle stretching routines keep the body limber, improve posture, and reduce the risk of injuries.
6. Supports Metabolism and Weight Management
As metabolism slows with age, maintaining a healthy weight can become more difficult. Regular movement helps regulate metabolism, balance hormones that can go completely off the rails, improves digestion, and supports weight management, reducing the risk of obesity-related health conditions. a/k/a Pretty much everything!
7. Encourages Social Connection
Group fitness classes, walking clubs, or dance sessions offer more than just physical benefits. They provide social engagement, which is essential for emotional well-being. Staying active with friends or in a community helps prevent loneliness and builds a supportive network.
I could go on. Need more? Additional benefits also include better sleep, relieving tension, stress, and anxiety (and in the 2-5 we can ALL use a reduction in stress and anxiety as we watch our country crumble before our eyes!) Fun. Yes, it can be fun! We can all use a little of that! Lastly, the result can be a much-needed boost to your self-image.
Getting Started: Movement for Every Level
The key to staying active is finding something you enjoy and making it a consistent part of your routine. Here are some ideas:
Beginner: Daily walks, stretching, chair yoga, dancing in the living room!
Intermediate: Strength training, swimming, Pilates, hiking (beginner!)
Advanced: Running, HIIT (high intensity interval training) workouts, dance classes
Movement is a lifelong gift we can give ourselves. No matter your age or fitness level, it’s never too late to start. By incorporating regular physical activity into your routine, you’re investing in a healthier, stronger, and more vibrant future. And please remember, even a low-intensity strength and walking program can offer substantial benefits. So, find something you enjoy (or something you will stick with and learn to enjoy!) and get moving!
MOVEMENT OR LOSE IT!
What’s your favorite way to stay active? Let us know in the comments!
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC6304477
https://www.nia.nih.gov/news/how-can-strength-training-build-healthier-bodies-we-age
https://www.health.harvard.edu/staying-healthy/exercise-and-aging-can-you-walk-away-from-father-time
https://www.npr.org/2024/12/09/nx-s1-5189471/what-science-tells-us-about-aging-and-exercise
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/exercise-and-the-aging-person
“There are moments when I feel like a fish out of water gasping for connection in a place that once felt so familiar.”
One of the quieter truths about aging is how your social circle changes, often shrinking. Sometimes it is the result of loss, but sometimes it’s because of growth. YOURS.
Over the years, I’ve watched my circle get smaller. It was never that big. I learned early, you only have a few true friends, and the rest are acquaintances. Then you have your, as my sister calls them, “EVO” folks. And no, that doesn’t stand for extra virgin olive oil. EVO stands for, “entertainment value only.” We often confuse this group with real friends, but as you get older and wiser, you can easily identify them.
I moved away for a time and had a whole other social circle for a while, which was cool. Many of those folks were definitely EVO folks, but they were fun and interesting. Meanwhile, back home, my long-time social circle was definitely shrinking. At first, I thought it was something to mourn, a sign of isolation, or maybe even failure on my part. But I’ve come to see it differently. Some people simply drift away because our paths no longer run parallel. The things we once shared, no longer fit who we’ve become or are becoming.
Like some marriages, some friendships fall apart. What’s the saying? Some folks are with you for a reason or a season, or something like that! I’m too lazy right now to look it up. And like marriage, people often want to fight it and to hold on. Now, I understand that outgrowing people isn’t cruel; it’s natural. It means I’m still evolving. Maybe they are as well. Hell, maybe they outgrew me!
And then there are the losses that aren’t by choice. The friends and loved ones we lose to time, distance, or death. These absences can leave a void and a space that never fully closes. Sometimes you fill the void with new things or new folks. But those times remind me that nothing, not even connection, is permanent.
I won’t pretend it’s easy. Growth can feel isolating. There are moments when I feel like a fish out of water gasping for connection in a place that once felt so familiar. You find yourself in the same conversations, the same routines, with the same company and you realize it just doesn’t feed your spirit the way they used to. You’ve changed, but not everyone around you has. And while that can also be a good thing, it can still feel isolating. That stretch of space and time between chapters can be challenging.
And don’t get me wrong. You still love the people in your life deeply, but feel like they no longer understand what you’re reaching for. That’s when growth can feel lonely. You find yourself in between worlds: no longer who you were, not yet who you’re becoming. Passage feels more like punishment.
As I age, there has also been a shift in what I value. My time feels more precious now. When there is less of something, you tend to value it more. (Supply and demand.) My energy too. People and situations either energize us or deplete us of energy. I no longer give away my energy or time so freely. I’ve learned that my peace must be protected, and not everyone gets an invitation into that space.
But there’s another kind of distance that comes with aging; the one between those who are still living, and those who have stopped. I’ve seen people who, somewhere along the way, stopped reaching for anything. They’re not growing anymore; they’re just waiting. Waiting for the next appointment, the next meal, the next day, the next weekend; existing rather than living. That energy is exhausting to me. It’s heavy. If you’re not careful, it can start to pull you down too.
Still, there are moments when I feel very lonely. I mean “deeply” lonely. Growth can be isolating and even painful when you realize you can’t go back to who you were or where you’ve been. Sometimes you look around and realize there are fewer people who truly understand you now. But even in that loneliness, there’s clarity. There’s peace in knowing that you’re staying true to your path, even if fewer people are walking it with you.
I’ve learned to recognize the difference between someone walking beside me and someone standing still. Maybe it’s a blessing and maybe it’s a curse, but there is no standing still for me. Sure, we’re all headed in the same direction. (The dirt, if that’s your plan! Ya’ll better not put me in some dirt!) We are all heading toward the inevitable truth of aging, but I’m sorry, I’m just not going out like that!
I’m trying to walk with purpose and while I’m still not 100% sure what that is, I’m not done trying. I still want to experience, to learn, to laugh, to evolve. I don’t want to JUST exist all the way through it.
Aging has taught me that losing people isn’t always a loss. Sometimes, it’s how we make room for peace, for new people, and for life. It ain’t easy, but it’s for damn sure necessary.
I’ve been working on this book about loss for the past year. I’ve written about my own experiences, but also have been thoroughly researching the topic. The purpose of this post is not to depress the living s#*t out of you. I am hoping you’ll find it helpful. I will get back to the topic of healthy aging in the next post. I promise.
When you’re writing with the intention of publishing, they always tell you to identify your target audience. Well, that part is easy. With regard to this topic, my audience is everyone, because at some point, everyone will experience loss and grief. And at some point, everyone will need the support of friends, family, or maybe even strangers to make it through.
I experienced the devastating loss of my granddaughter on June 4, 2022. She was a passenger in a car driven by a reckless, intoxicated driver who lost control, slammed into a fire hydrant, and flipped the car. She was ejected—thrown from the vehicle—and, according to a witness (whose words I wish I could unhear), was partially trapped beneath the overturned car. He walked away without a scratch. She lay dead in a ditch, covered by a sheet, with one of her Nikes lying in the middle of the road. I’m sorry to be so graphic, but this is the visual image I see when I close my eyes. This is what everyone wants me to “GET OVER!”
What I experienced wasn’t just grief; it was trauma. PTSD, I’m sure. To arrive at that scene and hear the wails of your only child coming from inside an ambulance is just something you can never unsee; a sound you can never forget. It’s a pain that finds its way back into your body, your chest, your throat every day and every night without warning.
And if that loss wasn’t enough, it came with more loss. My daughter still lives and breathes, but in so many ways, I lost her too. The always-smiling, always-laughing child I raised is gone. My identity as “Mom-Mom” was gone. My purpose felt gone. Quite frankly, I lost everyone in my immediate family who loved my granddaughter, because we were all forever changed. We were all shattered into a million unrecognizable pieces.
And sadly, I lost people I thought were friends. When I needed them most, they disappeared. The silence was deafening.
I recently attended a conference. It is a conference I’ve been going to for twenty-seven years. Over the decades, I’ve made countless acquaintances; people who’ve known me long before I was a grandmother. They had listened to me talk about my granddaughter for twenty-one of those years. From the moment she was born, they saw pictures and videos, heard about her achievements, and came to know her through me. They came to know me as Mom-Mom.
The first year I went back after the accident was brutal. The first question was always, “How have you been?” The second was, “So, how’s your granddaughter?” And then came the moment I had to tell them. Their faces fell. The words, “I’m so sorry for your loss,” echoed again and again.
I kept to myself that year. When I could, I tried to join in, to be social and to remember what living felt like. But the truth is, I was trying to be the old me and she no longer existed. She was gone. Shattered. I was just trying to piece together whatever mosaic of myself still remained.
The second year I attended post-accident, one so-called friend said to me, “I’m so glad to see you’re in a better mood. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in a previous post. #1. Please NEVER refer to grief as a “MOOD!” And #2. Please don’t have your first conversation with someone grieving and lead with how great your life is. And that is all that I’m going to say about that!
I skipped the next year and only recently returned. The conference has always been a mix of work and play for me. A professional event, yes, but also a kind of annual vacation. It’s a place where I feel safe traveling alone because I’m surrounded by hundreds of familiar faces. It’s social, but with plenty of space for solitude when I need it.
This year, I tried hard to be more social again by having breakfast, lunch, or drinks with people I’d known for years. And yet, time after time, I was asked, “How are you?” and “How’s your daughter?” and the one that really got to me was, “Are you better?”
That one’s easy to answer: No.
We’re not better.
We may never be better.
We are changed.
Don’t ever ask that question.
During my alone time, and there was a lot of it, though that wasn’t necessarily a bad thing as I managed to finish the first draft of a screenplay I’m submitting to my first competition. But I also spent a lot of time thinking. Thinking about grief, and about how little people really understand it. Thinking about how I might help others who are grieving, or those trying to support someone who is. Because one day, everyone will know loss. Most people lose their parents eventually. But losing a child? That’s something fewer will ever know, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.
So, I want to share what I hope might help both those grieving and those trying to support someone who is. Some things to consider doing, and just as importantly, some things, in my opinion, you should NEVER say. You’ve just read three of them!
Let’s start with this: Actions speak louder than words.
When you hear the same phrase over and over, it starts to lose meaning. It’s like being in an abusive relationship and hearing “I’m sorry” after every blow; it becomes hollow. And yes, I know you’re thinking, what are you supposed to say then?
I wrote about this two years ago. When you don’t know what to say, simply say, “I love you.” It’s never the wrong thing to say to someone you care about who’s grieving. If that feels too intimate, then, “I’m here for you.” And mean it. Be there.
I remember not wanting to be hugged. Not because I didn’t need it; I desperately did, but because I was afraid I’d start crying and never stop. I’d tell people, “Please don’t hug me,” because I needed control. But silence isn’t the answer either. Being invisible isn’t the answer. “Giving me space” wasn’t what I needed.
Sometimes, you don’t need to say a thing. Just be there. Sit with me. Hold my hand. Send a simple text that says, “I’m thinking of you.” Offer your shoulder, your ear, your time. Because the truth is, there’s nothing you can say to make someone feel better.
If you’re old enough to remember vinyl records, you’ll get this: when the record had a scratch, it would skip; repeating the same lyric over and over until someone finally got up and moved the needle. It was annoying as hell.
Well, I hate to tell you, but hearing “I’m sorry for your loss” can feel the same way. It’s a phrase stuck in a skip. It might come from a place of love, but for me, it had lost all meaning.
So, if you ever find yourself sitting across from someone grieving, whether it’s been a week, a year, or a decade, remember that grief doesn’t have an expiration date. There’s no “better” waiting on the other side of it. There’s just different.
Grief changes your DNA. It rearranges the furniture of your soul. You learn to carry it, but it never gets lighter; you just get stronger. You start to build a new version of yourself out of what’s left, even though the pieces never quite fit the same.
Some days, you find yourself laughing again and realize you didn’t plan to. Other days, a random song, scent, or photo will knock the wind out of you. And that’s okay. That’s grief; unpredictable, unrelenting, and ever-present.
I’ve come to understand that grief isn’t just about what’s been lost. It’s about love; a fierce, undying love that no longer has a place to go. It lingers, looking for somewhere to land. And so, we talk about them. We write about them. We keep them alive in stories and memories because that’s what love does. It refuses to die.
So, if you truly want to help someone grieving, don’t disappear. Don’t avoid their lost love one’s name. Don’t rush their healing. Just be there. Sit with them the silence. Let it be uncomfortable. And understand that sometimes, presence is the only language that matters.
So, I was catching up with my girl recently. That might not seem like a big deal, but it is! It takes effort and patience. She works all week and flies to the Midwest every weekend to take care of her aging father. And as someone who hasn’t had a parent in 46 years, I can only imagine the challenge that this would be. I was someone that flew across country every week for three years for work! I get that part! It’s exhausting. She’s been doing this for a few years now since he took a spill and his health started to decline.
She’s not my only friend caring for aging parents. I have four girlfriends, and a few guy friends doing the same. One of my friends has two parents in their 90’s and they’re divorced, so she’s bouncing between two places! I imagine it’s both a gift and a stressor to care for aging parents. But my girl mentioned she is noticing some mental decline lately. He told her himself; he’s forgetting things. (But he remembered to tell her he’s forgetting things!) And while the immediate response is that this is to be expected with age, there’s a little more to it than age.
She said that for the past few years since his fall, and his need for a walker, he mostly sits in his recliner and watches the same old westerns on repeat. He says he doesn’t want to go be social at the senior center because, wait for it…..BECAUSE HE DOESN’T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH OLD PEOPLE. I know her Dad and I can hear him saying that. He’s quite the character. Before his fall, he was very active. He worked on cars, fixed bikes for the neighborhood kids, and was the neighborhood fish fry guy. Now, he sits. No books or games. He does nothing to challenge his brain.
While we all should know by now, that staying active keeps our bodies from aging rapidly, did you know that your brain works the same way?
For years, people believed memory loss and slower thinking were just part of getting older. Thankfully, science has proven otherwise. Your brain isn’t a machine wearing down with age. It’s more like a muscle that gets stronger the more you use it. The saying holds true once again. USE IT OR LOSE IT!
This amazing ability is called neuroplasticity, and it means your brain can grow, change, and even reverse some of the effects of aging. The brain thrives on challenge and novelty. Each time we learn something new, our brain forms new neural connections, which is the process that is neuroplasticity. Studies from Harvard and the National Institute on Aging show that engaging the brain through continuous learning helps preserve memory, cognitive flexibility, and problem-solving skills. Every time you challenge yourself to learn or think in new ways, your brain builds fresh connections. Think of it as rewiring your circuits for better focus, sharper recall, and clearer thinking.
Learning keeps our mental circuits active and strong, much like exercise keeps the body fit. When you take on a new challenge, whether it’s learning to paint, learning a new language or skill, or just figuring out how to use that new app on your phone, your brain starts forming these new neural pathways. These pathways strengthen communication between brain cells, improving memory and mental agility. In fact, studies show that regular mental stimulation can even increase gray matter and encourage the growth of new brain cells.
In other words, it’s never too late to get your brain in shape!
Simple Ways to Exercise Your Brain
- Learn something totally new: Take a cooking class, a photography classl, an art class, learn guitar, or pick up a new language.
- Mix up your routine: Try using your non-dominant hand for small tasks or change your route on your daily walk.
- Play with purpose: Board games, puzzles, and even some video games can keep your brain sharp.
- Stay social: Conversations, laughter, and connection are powerful mental workouts too!
- Feed your curiosity: Read, write, listen to podcasts, or explore topics that make you wonder.
How else can we maintain cognitive health?
Physical exercise, managing your blood pressure, and a healthy diet all contribute to better brain health!
The Bottom Line
Your brain loves to be challenged, and it rewards you when you do just that. By keeping your mind active, you can not only slow down brain aging, but also reverse some of the damage. The result – More clarity. Better memory. Greater confidence.
So go ahead and try something new! Shake up your habits. You can’t stop the aging process, but you can slow it down, so you don’t have to.
https://www.istockphoto.com/portfolio/Ukususha?mediatype=illustration
Years back, I found myself in a really cool gift shop in Marina Del Rey. They carried all sorts of hilarious signs, mugs, plaques and cards. I was in there for quite some time cracking up! Back in the day, when folks still sent cards for birthdays and holidays, I used to spend a lot of time in the humorous card section. I could never settle on just one! So, while out west, away from friends and family I would on occasion, go to this shop and buy a silly card for a friend. At one point, I said I was going to mail my granddaughter a card once a week. It would be something inspiring. I did for a brief period, although I don’t recall them being acknowledged!
During one of my visits, I came across this black and white card that simply said, “Leap and the net shall appear.” It spoke to me. I had done all this writing, but it was living in my computer and in countless notebooks. I had taken so many classes, but was afraid to share anything outside of very close friends and family.
Years later, when I finally got up the nerve to share this one collection of stories I had written over several years with a friend, he picked up the phone and called me. (If you knew this person, you would know, this was a rare occurrence!) He called me FROM HIS VACATION! He had read the collection on the beach and wanted to offer some feedback. He loved it! In fact, he asked if I had written them myself! (and this was over ten years ago and long before ChatGPT!) Of course I had! He wanted to connect me with a friend of his who had written for TV and had a background in theater. I was a tad scared, but agreed.
He too loved them, so much so he wanted to produce them with me on stage. I was thrilled. Of course, the rest is history. In May of 2018, my show hit the stage to a sold-out audience. (I have to give props to my friends and family who busted their collective asses to fill that theater!) There had been no advertising. Word of many mouths sold tickets, and it was a great success. (Although the night before at the final rehearsal, I wasn’t quite so sure when no one could remember their lines!) It was too late to turn back. I just had to pray I wouldn’t have to escape from the back door of the theater in embarrassment! I am happy to report that I did not. In fact, there was a standing ovation. (My first and only to date.) Next to the births of my daughter and grandkids, it was truly one of the best nights of my life.
I had stepped out of my comfort zone, just like the card said!
Now, do not ask me what happened after that! Fear crept in and I start second guessing as to whether this was a one-time anomaly. Could I do it again? I became overwhelmed with doubt and then the unthinkable occurred and I now had grief as a reason to become stuck, when the truth is that grief was just a part of it. Doubt and fear were at the top of the list.
In my youth, I was pretty bold and fearless. I was never afraid to fail. In fact, failure wasn’t even a consideration. I had quite “the set” on me. I believed there was nothing I couldn’t do if I set my mind to it and for years, I lived it. BOLD and as my sister would say, “BALLSY!”
As I have aged, I find that I’m more cautious. Oh hell, scared shitless is a more accurate description! Well damn! Where the hell did my “BOLD” go? I wore a tutu for God’s sake! I wore gold boots! I wore a jumpsuit to a black tie event. I used to just go for it! I “should” just go for it!
But you know, there comes a point in life where the word “should” starts to lose its power. I’ve lived, learned, and seen enough to know that the only thing worse than taking a risk, is not taking a risk and wondering what might have happened if you had!
And that is where boldness comes in. I’m not talking recklessness. I’m talking boldness that comes from experience, perspective and self-awareness. Being bold at this point, is less about proving something and more about expressing something. YOU! It’s about honoring the person you’ve become by allowing your choices to reflect your true desires rather than your fear of what others will think.
When you’re younger, for many, life revolved around fitting in, pleasing others and living up to some external standards. But later in life, boldness means giving yourself permission to live on your own terms. It means, saying NO when something doesn’t serve you and YES, when something lights your fire!
Whether it’s learning a new skill, a new language and just not being afraid to try new things BE BRAVE. BE BOLD. It could be something as simple as changing your style. Bold acts bring energy and a sense of renewal. Bold acts remind us that growth doesn’t have an expiration date.
When you take chances and defy expectations it also gives others silent permission to do the same. You become living proof that it’s never to late to reinvent yourself, to chase a dream or to fall in love with life again.
Boldness builds confidence and confidence attracts opportunities. You realize that playing it safe can be far riskier than stepping outside of your comfort zone.
Boldness can challenge stereotypes. Boldness is about taking up space, claiming joy, and rewriting what it truly means to life fully at every stage and every age!
Be bold. Color your hair. Change your style. Write that book. Speak your truth. Start your podcast or blog. Chase a dream! Take that class and be the oldest person in the room!
I am currently taking my own advice and entering my first script contest this month! Wish me luck.
And finally, speaking of films and boldness, I want to acknowledge the passing of one of my favorite actresses. We lost the very talented Diane Keaton recently. One of the first film workshops I attended in LA was at the writers’ guild. The special guest was writer/director Nancy Myers. (Also a fav of mine. She makes movies I want to watch featuring mature women!) She was talking about the script development of “Somethings Gotta Give.” (Also a fav of mine!) Diane Keaton and Jack Nicholson starred in this film. Diane, to me was not only a great actress, but a very stylish woman. Often in black and white, I loved her bold style. I found her interviews to be both interesting and always hilarious. She seemed to be quite the character. Knowing I was a fan of Diane’s, my sister came across this excerpt from an interview of Diane’s and sent it to me. It fit perfectly with what I was writing, so here it is:
“Here is my biggest takeaway after 60 years on the planet: There is great value in being fearless. For too much of my life, I was too afraid, too frightened by it all. That fear is one of my biggest regrets. Don’t give up on yourself. So, you make a mistake here and there; you do too much, or you do too little. Just have fun. Smile. And keep putting on lipstick.” ~ Diane Keaton 1946-2025
No idea where the photo came from!
This week, I’m happy to welcome back a very special guest contributor—Jay Washington, a world traveler whose passport currently tells the story of a life lived fully and fearlessly. His recent adventures span continents and cultures.
After doing a little research and reading the following post, I have concluded that adventure, whether it’s crossing an ocean or simply wandering through a new neighborhood, keeps the mind sharp, the spirit light, and the body in motion. Every new experience invites curiosity, challenges assumptions, and rekindles that sense of wonder we often lose with age.
Vitality isn’t found in a pill or a product. It’s in movement, discovery, and the willingness to say yes to the unfamiliar. In this post, Jay shares how travel and adventure can nourish your health, strengthen your mind, and keep your heart forever young.
In this inspiring piece, Jay shares how travel has been his ultimate anti-aging secret—keeping both his mind and body vibrant, curious, and alive. How stepping beyond routine and comfort zones can slow the feeling of aging, boost mental clarity, feed your soul and nurture a deeper sense of purpose and joy.
Whether you’re planning your next trip or simply dreaming of one, his words will remind you that adventure and curiosity isn’t just for the young! It’s what keeps us young.
Enjoy!
For the past three years I’ve been living on the road on a global journey, slow and intentional. Fulltime travel and adventure make me feel more alive than ever before in my life. I set out to live, but somewhere between listening to Gregory Porter at the Umbria Jazz Festival, touring the magnificent ruins of Ankor Wat in Cambodia, to visiting with my friend, Jabel, who I had not seen in more than 50 years in The Gambia, spending long museum days in historically Black immigrant settlements in eastern Canada, watching the sunrise after a 5 day hike to see the morning clouds reveal the ruins of Machu Picchu, and mornings on a quiet ski lift in the Chilean Andes, I noticed something simple while I sit and write this article in my Airbnb apartment in Buenos Aires: I feel younger in my body, sharper in my mind, and lighter in my spirit.
Seated amongst an engaged crowd at a great jazz festival is medicine. The call-and-response, the improvisation, the lift when a band finds the pocket—it shakes loose stress I didn’t know I was carrying. Dancing (even a little) resets my mood, my posture, and my breath. Every festival and local jazz club reminds me of the joy being in a full-body practice.
As an architect, I chase iconic buildings and humble vernacular design with equal interest. Walking cities to see how light hits a façade, how a plaza gathers people, how a market breathes, or noticing days getting longer in spring in the southern hemisphere, while they’re shortening in the States—that’s miles under my feet and a workout for attention. I leave those days mentally alert and physically pleasantly tired.
Standing on the rich soil where my people tilled the earth, lived, and loved centuries before being forcibly taken to America is humbling and makes me more aware of who I am. It amazes me how my people survived to allow me to tread upon that land today and be reunited with my people, my family. Even as I stand at the “Door of No Return” there is a deeper feeling of gratitude rather than harboring negativity in the pain and sorrow of the Middle Passage.
From small community run spaces, to major museums, I linger. I read wall labels out loud, discover more detail through further research on my phone, or pick one piece of artifact or artwork to “sit with” for ten minutes. It slows me down and somehow speeds up my thinking. I sleep better after a good museum day.
Built environments that reveal human stories of its inhabitants are priceless. Fortressed walls of brick built by hand, terraces that gradually navigate hillsides, bridges spanning major rivers, metros crisscrossing and connecting vast reaches, public housing murals and corner cafes enlightening dense urban spaces—these places show me how people solved problems. They teach me empathy and make me curious. Curiosity is energizing.
Nature that quiets everything else keeps me present. The stillness of a fresh snowfall, epic hikes in majestic mountain scenery, sighting wild animals, strolling ancient waterfronts, watching the radiance of the sun setting on the sea, and finding the oldest trees in dense jungles excite me. Nature days feel like my body’s reset button. The more green and blue I get, the steadier my mood becomes.
People, culture, and something larger is awe inspiring to me. I don’t particularly chase “must-sees” as much as “must-feel.” Commuters, grocers, neighbors, drummers in the park—being present with people is the heart of my travel. There’s a sacredness to it: we share space, rhythm, laughter. That connection is bigger than me, and it keeps me grounded. I try to add good energy to every space I encounter beginning with an enthusiastic greeting and a thank you in the native tongue—ensuring that they are seen and appreciated—what I call spreading positive vibrations. Eventually this leads to developing personal relationships that remain within reach no matter where I am in the world through a simple text to say I was thinking about you or an extended chat by phone to catch up with one another.
Folding walking or biking first, riding later into my daily routine from home to gym to language or cooking class to market to museum to symphony or a park bench. If a ride is needed, I break it up with short walks. My step count rises without “exercise.”
Keeping novelty purposeful is a tool I use to keep the experience continually new, fresh, and exciting. I pick one new skill or challenge per day like taking the subway without a map, ordering in the local language, learning a new dance, taking a different route to the gym or sketching building details. Novelty keeps me alert.
I choose lodgings by lifestyle, not just price. I look for certain “must haves” like a gym, pool, language school, transit stops, or green tree-lined streets as criteria for selecting a neighborhood for my stays of 3 – 6 months. I map each stay to a circuit of these anchors within 20–30 minutes of my apartment. Joy is scheduled in like it’s a meeting—festival nights, local jam sessions, gallery late hours, bicycle tours—these go on the calendar first. Joy is not a bonus; it’s the glue that holds the routine together.
Eating local and keeping it simple is key to maintaining a healthy diet regimen. Fresh produce markets for fruit and greens and local markets for beans, grains, and fresh fish caught locally is the mainstay of my meals. I eat meat a couple days a week and red meat once a month mostly cooked at home. It’s the only way to insure I know what I am eating without the excess of salt, sugar and fat often thrown in abundantly for taste at restaurants. Restaurant meals are treats, not defaults although it’s easier and most often more affordable than eating out in the US.
Joining people where they already gather in plein air sketch clubs, dance socials, public lectures, yoga classes and neighborhood clean-ups. Built-in community beats hunting for “authenticity.” I show up on time, pay my way, and pitch in. I show up curious, not certain with an open heart and mind.
I move more without thinking about it. Novel routes, new languages, and art days sharpens attention. I remember names better. I make quicker sense of maps and signs. My mind feels more “awake.” I find joy—through music, nature, and people—it has become a reliable habit. I bounce back from stress faster and carry less of it forward. Asking for directions, stumbling through a new phrase, or joining a local group—these small risks stack up into quiet confidence which reads as youthful energy. Connecting with people and leaving places a little better gives each day meaning. That sense of purpose is the best fuel I know.
All of this keeps me adaptable, resourceful, flexible, moving, learning, growing, connecting, contributing and above all else grateful.
“Water is life’s simplest elixir—and one of the most powerful tools for aging well.”
After a year or two of heart issues, I finally saw the cardiologist. I was having the opposite issue of most folks my age. My blood pressure kept dropping. That bottom number would fall below 60, and as a result I would feel dizzy, and experience numbness in my lower limbs which is quite scary while driving. This led to panic attacks even when it wasn’t happening. The fear of it made me apprehensive about driving too far alone and to avoid bridges altogether. It happened once while I was crossing a bridge with no place to pull over. I had to white-knuckle it with the windows open and singing to take my mind off the fact that I feared losing control of my legs and plunging off the side!
Like most, I researched the symptoms and potential causes of low blood pressure and came up with several possibilities such as hormones, thyroid issues, or even broken heart syndrome. My heart was literally broken behind the loss of my granddaughter and broken heart syndrome is a thing. Another potential cause was electrolyte imbalance and mineral deficiencies, so I started drinking Pedialyte and for a while I was pretty stable. Since I was still working insane hours, I put off my cardiologist appointment which by the way, took months to get! Of course, I wasn’t consistent with the Pedialyte, and it eventually started occurring again, so I decided to take my Marcus Welby wanna-be-ass to the cardiologist. The first thing she said was, “You’re dehydrated!” She could tell by touching my neck. When you consume more wine and coffee than water, these things can happen! I was prescribed a heart monitor and told to supplement with electrolyte drinks and to drink more water! I would have never connected dehydration with heart and blood pressure issues. Well, I might have eventually, but I was relieved by the idea that it might be an easy fix.
Why Hydration Becomes More Important with Age
We often think of hydration as something simple. Drink more water. But as we age, the role of hydration becomes far more significant. It’s not just about quenching thirst; it’s about supporting nearly every system in the body that helps us stay healthy, energized, and sharp. Hydration impacts everything from our energy and mobility to our mood and memory.
Water makes up about 60% of our body, and every cell, tissue, and organ relies on it to function properly. As we get older, our bodies naturally lose some of their ability to conserve water. Our sense of thirst also fades, meaning we may not always feel thirsty even when we need fluids. Research published in the Journal of Gerontology shows that older adults are more prone to chronic, low-level dehydration and often without even realizing it.
Water is essential for circulation, temperature regulation, digestion, and waste removal. It helps deliver nutrients to cells, cushions joints, and even keeps our skin supple. When hydration drops, all these systems slow down.
The Hidden Impact of Dehydration on Aging Bodies
Dehydration doesn’t always look dramatic. It often shows up in subtle ways that we might mistake for “just getting older.”
- Cognitive Function: NIH studies show that even mild dehydration—just a 2% loss in body fluids—can impact memory, alertness, and mood.
- Heart and Kidney Health: The heart must work harder to circulate blood when fluids are low. Chronic dehydration has been linked to kidney stones and reduced kidney function.
- Joints and Muscles: Water lubricates joints and muscles. When we’re low on fluids, stiffness, soreness, and cramps become more common.
- Skin Health: Proper hydration maintains elasticity and texture. Dehydrated skin often looks dull and can accentuate fine lines.
- Digestion and Detoxification: Water supports smooth digestion and helps the body flush toxins efficiently.
Everyday Habits for Staying Hydrated
You don’t need to chug gallons of plain water. Gentle, consistent habits go a long way.
- Start your day with water—before coffee or tea. (This was a big one for me.)
- Sip steadily throughout the day, not just when you feel thirsty.
- Eat your water: fruits and vegetables like cucumbers, oranges, watermelon, and leafy greens are rich in hydration.
- Balance dehydrating drinks like caffeine and alcohol with extra water.
- Watch your signals: dark urine, dry mouth, dizziness, and fatigue are early signs of dehydration.
Most adults benefit from about 8–10 cups (2–2.5 liters) of fluids per day, depending on body size, climate, and activity level. (Too much isn’t good either!)
Hydration as Self-Care
Think of hydration as a daily ritual—a simple act of self-respect. Every sip supports your heart, your mind, your mobility, and your mood.
As we age, staying hydrated isn’t just about longevity, it’s about quality of life. A clear mind, glowing skin, strong joints, and steady energy all start with one simple choice: to drink up.
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