At a certain age, every email, text message, and phone call becomes, “Congratulations! You’re due for another medical screening.”
My inbox and voicemail have become a damn digital stalking operation.
“Time to get those boobs smashed like pancakes.” a/k/a mammogram.
“You’re due for anal probing.” a/k/a colon screening.
“Bone density scan reminder.” (Have you been using your rebounder?)
“Eye exam.” (Because you need to see how you really look.)
“Hearing test.” (Because the commercials might need to be even louder!)
“Dental cleaning.” (Get ready to take out a 2nd mortgage!)
“Vaccinations due.” (Because you don’t want those shingles coming your way!)
The list is so long it resembles a CVS receipt with the coupon that expires before you get to the car.
Apparently once you hit a certain age, your body enters a loyalty rewards program where every month earns you another opportunity to get poked, prodded, scanned, smooshed, smashed, swabbed, inspected, or have cameras inserted into every orifice except the fun ones.
And the advice? OMG, the advice.
Fast.
No, don’t fast.
Take supplements.
No, supplements are expensive urine.
Walk every day.
No. Lift heavy.
Go vegan.
Eat more protein.
Actually, eat a side of grass fed beef drenched in grass fed butter.
Juice.
No! Don’t juice. Eat whole fruits and vegetables.
Drink red wine for heart health.
Drink in moderation.
Don’t drink at all.
AS IF.
Then just when you’ve barely wrapped your head around your body becoming a high-maintenance appliance, Social Security starts sending smoke signals.
Take it early.
Wait to take it.
Medicare options arrive looking like a 700-page encyclopedia written by people who hate happiness.
By this point, the internet has become less of a source of information and more of a giant room full of strangers yelling contradictory instructions at you.
“Coffee will save your life!”
“Coffee is killing you!”
“Eggs are healthy!”
“Eggs are tiny cholesterol bombs!”
“Sleep more!”
“Wake up at 5 a.m.!”
Meanwhile, I’m standing in my kitchen holding a protein shake, a vitamin, a glass of wine, wondering if I should eat kale or just lie down.
Who knew getting older would be so stressful and confusing?
Nobody warned us that one of the biggest side effects of aging would be trying to figure out the instructions.