My Black is NOT Cracking.

I’ve been going through it a bit lately.  In addition to the whole Covid situation, being laid off, changing positions after learning my job was going to be eliminated, my Daughter being in the hospital, giving up my place, it’s been all sorts of rough! My personal belongings are officially in four different locations.  I have no idea what is where and my new gig is not a typical 9-5. (Or 11-7 as I’ve grown accustomed to.)  I’m on call, so it’s a challenge to plan when you never know when you will be needed. Don’t get me wrong. I’m SUPER grateful for the job, but everything in my life right now just feels a tad OUT of control.  And I’m a control freak.  Maybe it’s a lesson. I’m a planner.  I like structure. Before all of these changes, I had a routine and it was working for me.  It is all so unsettling. Every day I used to get up, take a walk. Meditate.  Go sit by some body of water and write for an hour or two. Work out.  Cook breakfast. Then either start my workday, or log into my online classes. (During lay off!) I took a bunch of professional development classes as well as workshops and classes on topics I wanted to write about.

Before the lay off and set backs associated with Covid occurred, I had a plan.  I had stage productions planned.  I was moving along with my pursuits both on the page and on the stage. Now, I feel as though my ship is a little off course. I was sailing along toward my goals and dreams and now I feel a little lost at sea. I need to find a way to right this ship and get back on the path toward fulfilling my dreams. As a result, I have been thinking a lot about dreams and purpose in the past few weeks.

I know that so many of us stopped dreaming. (Especially in what appears to be a nightmare year for us all!) That being said, I am a firm believer that you are never too old to have and to pursue a dream.  If you have been reading the quotes I post weekly you saw the one that said, “Age is not a reason.  It’s an excuse.” I truly believe that.

So I wanted to talk about dreams and the importance of having dreams, goals and purpose.  So many people are waiting.  Always waiting. Waiting. Waiting for the weekend.  Waiting for vacation.  Waiting for retirement.  Waiting. As soon as I…..(fill in the blank)

I know for many when they were younger (or even as an adult) may have been discouraged from pursuing their dreams.  Being told not to waste time on pipe dreams.  Being told to be realistic.  They were told to find a good, stable job.  Make good money.  Take care of your family and retire.  Not told to figure out exactly what they want to be or do and go for it. (Not that we all know at a young age.)

Well, we’re grown now and old enough to know or know how to figure out what we want out of this life.   Sometimes it takes a while to figure it out.  Sometimes you think you know what you want and one day realize you want something entirely different. 

As someone who has done unfulfilling work for many years, I have learned first hand that it takes much more energy to do something that we do not like then something we enjoy.  I can sit down to do accounting work for 8 to 10 hours and be exhausted. But, I sit down to write for 8 or 10 hours and will be energized and actually upset that I have to stop and do something else.  (Like eat!) Time just slips away when you’re absorbed in something you enjoy. When what we do truly interests and motivates us, energy flows easily and effortlessly. (In!  Not out!) 

Did I always dream of writing?  Nope.  I wanted to be a chef.  I still am very passionate about the culinary arts and still love to cook.  I’m still obsessed with farmers markets and read cookbooks like novels.  I just no longer desire to live in the kitchen.  I actually started a cookbook, but now its stories with recipes.  I distinctly recall Mrs. Lapel, my ??th grade teacher telling me, “You’ll be a writer one day.”  I thought, nope, chef, but I certainly didn’t correct her.  It just was not part of my plan, like ever! Not even when I became Ms. Fire Prevention after winning an essay contest.  Thinking back it was such a tragic story.  I believed I wrote about my fear of my mother falling asleep with a cigarette in her hand and burning down the house with us in it.  I won a $50 savings bond, but she must have felt like S*#T!  I had to ride on the back of the fire truck in a parade waving like Ms. Freaking America.  OMG.  Torture!  Anyway.  Flashback!

When I found myself alone in my mid forties, I started journaling.  Then one day, out of nowhere it seemed that I saw stories everywhere.  I woke up with feature film outlines in my head.  It was the strangest thing that completely took me by surprise.  I guess ole Ms. Lapel saw something in me, I didn’t see in myself.  I couldn’t ignore the stories and they wouldn’t stop coming.  All of the sudden I couldn’t wait to wake up early to have time to write before I had to go to my job.  (I was never a morning person.) I felt excited about something.  For years, I was merely existing, and believe me, there is a huge difference between living and existing. Writing made me feel alive again. Seven scripts, two stage plays and a book later………(Working on eliminating my fears of rejection so I can actually send them out and beg folks to read them! Stay tuned!) I did get up the nerve to present part one of the stage play and had theater dates for 2020, but needless to say, theater isn’t an option.

My advice to younger people has always been to do what you love and find a way to make a living it.  Monetize your passion. And sometimes that means doing what you love on the side for a while because we all have to eat and have a roof over our heads. But don’t get caught up in that plan B crap. F**k Plan B! Focus on what you want. Will that possibly change?  Of course! But focus on what you love.  You might love something else or discover something else along the way and you can always change course, but trying to go in two different directions at once basically means you probably aren’t really moving too far in either direction.

I’m a creative person, but I studied business and accounting so I would have something to fall back on.  What I always dreamed of being was being a creator.  That hasn’t changed.  The problem is I fell back and I didn’t get up for 30 years. “Falling is okay as long as you get up.” (An investment in Culinary School midway through didn’t even change life. The only change there was the addition of Sallie Mae to my life!)

Many people do not enjoy what they do for a living. They feel stuck. They believe that their fate is survival. At least they have a job.  A job they don’t enjoy, or worse hate, but still have to put in those 8 hours! Before those dreadful 8 hours, they slept for 8 hours.  The rest of the time is spent trying to recover from the stress of their jobs or their unfulfilling lives. Overwhelmed with dissatisfaction, they look for happiness in all the wrong places which can have disastrous effects on their relationships, or worse, their health! They live for Friday.  Run around on Saturday tending to life’s responsibilities and then by Sunday are dreading Monday! It’s a vicious cycle that some of us have experienced our entire lives.  Now, we’re waiting to retire to do what?  Wait around for an illness or waiting to die….

I sometimes make the mistake of thinking about where I could have been by now had I just pursued my dreams.  Would I be having my cup of coffee sitting on my ocean front deck overlooking my infinity pool I would never get in? TWOT  (Total waste of time) and energy to look backward.  Focusing on that “woulda and coulda,” instead of focusing my energy on what still can be is a better use of energy. Look I know me.  I will dream until they throw dirt on me.  (Which actually, they better not do. I will haunt ya’ll!) I feel that writing is my purpose. Whether it is to entertain, educate and I hope inspire, I truly believe it is my purpose.  My dream? Make a living from doing something that I love to do!

I’m sure many believe that their purpose arises from some special gift and that may be partly true, but we are all unique individuals and have something to offer to the world. Of course, finding purpose isn’t always an intellectual pursuit. You need to feel it. Sometimes, as in my case, it can grow out of suffering.  (I know, waaah poor me!) It can also grow out of witnessing the suffering of others and wanting to help.  What do you love?  Hell, what bothers you?  Your purpose might be to fight for what bothers you.

My writing started with me writing about my pain and obstacles I’ve encountered.  It came from observing my own life and the lives of those around me. (Including total strangers I chatted up.) Obviously for those that know me, it eventually turned into some pretty funny comedy.  Tragedy + Time = Comedy. I attempted to turn my hurt and my pain into healing for others.  (Entertainment can be healing.  Laughter works wonders!)

So, ask yourself, what obstacles have you encountered? What strengths helped you to overcome them? Now, maybe ask yourself, how can your strengths help make life better for others?  For me, my hope is that sharing my stories helps people feel less alone in their own struggles or lamenting over mistakes they’ve made.   Go ahead!  Laugh at me.  You have my permission.

Chadwick Boseman (I still can’t bring myself to say “late.”) told the graduating class at Howard, aka Wakanda University as he accepted his honorary doctorate, “Press on with pride and press on with purpose”.  Finding your purpose, if you have not done so already. It is your reason for existence and it’s never too late to find it.  As Boseman said so eloquently, “Your struggles are meant to shape you for your purpose.”

To the “I’m too old” response, I call BS.  A Napoleon Hill survey of wealthy people showed that many successful people didn’t reach their goals until mid life and beyond. While some are thinking about retiring others are finally pursuing goals and dreams and finding their purpose.  This success could very well be a result of the years of life experience or even previous failures.  Work probably won’t kill you, but there is good chance idleness will! Studies have shown that having a sense of purpose can lead to a happier, healthier and longer life!

I don’t care how old I get.  I’m not done yet.    And I may fail, but I will always fail forward.

Do you have unfulfilled dreams and goals? Do you have a sense of purpose?

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