My Black is NOT Cracking.

I'm not Aging. I'm appreciating in value!

Let’s Root For Each Other and Watch Each Other Grow!

KAVON

2 comments

August 5, 2025

A stylized tree with a brown trunk and roots, adorned with colorful heart-shaped leaves in pink, red, orange, yellow, and blue, set against a white background.

Recently while stopped at a red light, (you remember, the color that indicates you need to stop that most hurried to get to I-don’t-know-where-in-such-a-hurry, these days seem to view as merely an suggestion to maybe stop!) I noticed something painted on the side of the building.  Yes, you tend to notice things when you slow down or take the time to stop.  It said,

“LET’S ROOT FOR EACH OTHER AND WATCH EACH OTHER GROW.”

It stuck with me and really made me think about how things have changed so much in my lifetime.  Or maybe they haven’t.  Maybe I’m just paying attention because I’ve slowed down.  Well, I’ve tried to.  Most would argue otherwise.  Since my forced retirement, a/k/a lay off and subsequent age discrimination, I don’t think I’ve ever been busier.  If only it was paying work!  But I digress.

It feels anymore, like the world is running on a combination of comparison, competition, and hate. 

Social media, which I believe was originally designed to bring us closer together, has in many ways done the exact opposite.  In addition to making us less safe and exposing us to fraud and criminals, it has also fueled comparison.  The perfectly curated, made up, rehearsed reels pretending to be someone’s reality, more often than not, make us feel bad about ourselves; like we’re not good enough or failing.  Instead of feeling inspired, we feel inadequate.  Instead of making us feel closer, we feel even further apart.  Instead of feeling connected, we feel isolated. Like we’re watching everyone else win while we sit on the sidelines sporting the loser crown.

A bit off topic, (but a tad related) but there is something else I noticed lately.  EVERYONE is a damn expert!  Everyone is killing it as a result of their self-declared expertise, except us, and they are dying to teach us how to be as successful as they are for just $48!  Everyone has a course to teach, and they’ve got a teaser disguised as a free workshop that provides absolutely zero information.  BUT, FOR A LIMITED TIME, you can pay me to teach you my secrets of success.  And THERE ARE LIMITED SEATS AVAILABLE, SO SIGN UP NOW. Right! Limited until tomorrow when I’m after my next set of suckers!  Want to know how so many are making money online?  Selling thousands of us bullshit, $48 at a time!  “Fool me once shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me!”

One the surface it may appear that these folks are rooting for you and trying to teach you the secrets of their success, (and maybe there are some that are genuinely trying to do that!) but seems more like “My life is great. I’m uber successful. You’re a failure, but I can help you and get rich at the same time! Almost feels like a modern-day pyramid scheme to me.  Remember those?  You become a sucker and then you go out and find your own suckers. Some Madoff level BS, minus the stocks.  I wish I believed it was folks just rooting for us. Negativity? Or reality?

So, I. thought to myself, can you really be truly happy if everyone around you is miserable and struggling?

What might happen if we genuinely supported and rooted for each other?   Rooting for someone doesn’t diminish your own light.  It just adds to the collective brightness.  Rivalry comes from a scarcity mindset, and the belief that there isn’t enough to go around. But, guess what else….

Rooting for others benefits us all!

It Reflects Confidence, Not Insecurity
Truly cheering for someone else means you’re secure in your own journey. It says, “I believe there’s room for all of us.” And there is. There’s power in saying, “You’re doing great, and I’m not threatened by it.” That kind of energy is rare in the world of likes and filters, but it’s exactly what we need more of.

It Builds Connection
Celebrating someone else’s win builds trust, empathy, and genuine connection. It reminds us we’re not alone. We rise faster and stronger when we lift together. When we celebrate someone’s achievement, or offer support during their struggle, we start to repair the disconnect.

It Pushes Back Against Toxic Comparison
Social media has sadly made it easy to fall into the trap of measuring our lives against someone else’s filtered moments. Think about it!  Why do we even feel the need to use a filter in the first place? 

It Creates a Culture of Support
One voice of encouragement can spark a wave. In teams, families, schools, and communities, support becomes contagious. The more we give, the more it grows. Being supportive can be magnetic. The more we practice it, the more we attract it. Whether it’s online or in real life, rooting for each other fosters spaces where people can thrive without needing to compete for belonging.

It Feels Good
There’s real joy in seeing others thrive.  This is especially so when you know you played a small part in their story. Being someone else’s cheerleader nourishes your own soul.

7 Ways We Can Root For Each Other

SAY IT

Tell folks you believe in them.  Offer words of support and encouragement. Remind them who they are, and what they are capable of.

LISTEN

Sometimes rooting for someone just means being there and listening without judgment.  Your presence can be more powerful than any advice you might offer.

SEND A MESSAGE. 

A “thinking of you,” message can change a person’s entire day. You are letting them know they matter.

CELEBRATE

Celebrate their accomplishments without comparison or jealousy.  Your time is coming too.

OFFER HELP

Use your contacts, knowledge, and network to help open doors for others.

COLLABORATE.

Rather than compete, work together.  Collaboration can create a bigger impact. 

SHOW UP

One of the most powerful forms of encouragement is to just show up! Support their efforts. Attend their events. Share their work.

And remember

WE RISE HIGHER WHEN WE RISE TOGETHER.

https://www.istockphoto.com/portfolio/ChanakarnPhinakan?mediatype=illustration

LAUGH OUT LOUD!

KAVON

2 comments

July 29, 2025

Colorful comic-style graphic featuring the text 'LOL!' in a speech bubble against a vibrant, swirling background.

Where are my Curb Your Enthusiasm fans?  One of my favorite episodes is when Larry becomes a bit of a social assassin when a friend doesn’t have the stones to let his wife know that he hates it when she says “LOL” instead of just laughing.  Larry, of course, in true Larry David fashion, calls her out.  “What’s with the saying LOL?  Why don’t you just laugh?”

WHY DON’T YOU JUST LAUGH?

Everyone who knows me, is aware that the last thirty minutes of my evening are spent watching something funny.  Even if I’ve just watched a movie or documentary, I will likely watch an old episode of Seinfeld or Always Sunny in Philadelphia for a laugh at what promises to be something ridiculous and stupid, but funny.  If I really need a good laugh, the talent show in Napoleon Dynamite hits the spot. Laughter has become a prescription I take at the end of my day along with my magnesium supplement.

Why laughter you ask?  Okay, you didn’t, but here’s the deal.  Laughter is not only good for your mind, but also for your body and soul!

In December of 2023, I started writing a collection of essays on loss.  If you have been following my blog, you already know why. I am hoping I will one day publish it. My fingers are crossed that the NJ Council for the Arts coughs up some grant money so I can dedicate the time to finishing it! The collection is entitled, “Losing It.”  In this collection I wrote about all types of loss.  I know, you’re like, “And what the hell does loss that have to do with laughter?” Keep reading….

A Collection of Personal Essays – Exploring Loss with a twist.

 Loss of family, friends, children, youth, beauty, and bladder control.

“Let’s Face It” deals with my face sliding down my neck and the loss of collagen!

“I’m pissed off.” Well, I’m sure you can figure that one out.

The collection addresses my experiences with loss that I know EVERYONE at some point, will be able to relate to and I hope, learn to laugh about.

I have always enjoyed comedy.  My husband and I were huge fans of stand-up long before Def Jam and the slew of stand-up specials on HBO, Hulu, Netflix, etc   We used to frequent comedy clubs in NYC in the 80’s.  We saw comics that are hugely successful now when they were just starting out. We saw the skinny Dave Chappelle without a cigarette in his hand!  In fact, one of our first dates was to a comedy club.  He later told me it was a test to see if I had a sense of humor.  Hell, with my childhood, I’d better have one.  Laughter for me (And I’m sure many others, including most stand-up comics) was, and remains a coping mechanism.

A few months after I decided to start any writing, I took the first step and enrolled in some classes.  At the time, I was working in the film industry in the accounting department, so I was particularly interested in screenwriting, although I took classes in storytelling as well. It was in one of those classes I learned the equation, COMEDY = TRAGEDY + TIME.  I wasn’t so sure about all of that.  Didn’t seem to add up. How the hell is tragedy ever going to be funny?

Shortly after I started writing my essay collection, I read an interview that writer/director/actor Eugene Levy did with Creative Screenwriting following the release of his feature film, “Good Grief,” and I could totally relate to much of what he said.  It was one of the reasons that I started writing in the first place. 

“I love storytelling, and I think I’ve always been an observant person, when it comes to reveling in human dynamics,” says Dan Levy. “As an observer of people writing felt like an easy outlet to express my curiosity about who people are, how they work, and the flaws and joys of who we are as people. I love the fine balance of comedy and drama. I love acting it, writing it. I think it’s truthful and life.” He explains, “There’s always comedy in the darkest of times. I think it’s a coping mechanism. As human beings, we have to laugh to get through things. I’ve never subscribed to the idea that you should only do one thing — only comedy or only drama — that they can’t live together. Life is both drama and comedy living together. That’s what every day is.”

I couldn’t have said it better, but I have said it though. Life is dramedy.  You must balance the drama with laughter in order to survive!  I never believed I would laugh again after such a tragic and life-altering loss, but I did.  I recall the line in the Sex in the City movie, after Carrie was left at the altar by Big.  Heartbroken, she asks her friends if she would ever laugh again.  I mean it took her friend Charlotte shitting her pants at a Mexican resort, but she laughed.  When something is truly funny, you will laugh again. Laughter is a reminder that there is still joy in life to be had.  Laughter, even momentarily, can help lift the weight of loss.  They say laughter is the best medicine—and as it turns out, there’s solid science behind that saying. From boosting your mood to strengthening your immune system, laughter offers powerful mental and physical benefits.

1. A Natural Stress Reliever

When you laugh, your brain releases a flood of feel-good chemicals like dopamine and endorphins. These are our body’s natural painkillers and mood elevators. (and a healthier option than anti-depressants!) These chemicals counteract stress hormones like cortisol and adrenaline, helping you feel more relaxed and balanced.  Excess cortisol can eventually wear out your cardiovascular and metabolic systems.  Laughter also triggers the parasympathetic nervous system—the “rest and digest” mode—which lowers your heart rate and blood pressure, helping your body return to a state of calm.

2. It’s a Bit of a Workout! (but don’t skip that walk or the gym!)

A good laugh engages your diaphragm, tightens your abdominal muscles, and even gives your heart a bit of a workout. Laughter increases your oxygen intake, stimulates your heart and lungs, and improves circulation.

Researchers say that laughing for 10–15 minutes a day can burn as many as 40 calories. While that’s not quite a substitute for the gym, it’s a great supplement—especially if you’re enjoying your workouts less than your sitcom reruns.

3. Immune System Boost

Chronic stress can weaken the immune system, making you more susceptible to illness. Laughter helps reduce that stress and supports immune function by increasing infection-fighting antibodies and activating protective cells like T-cells and natural killer cells. Consider laughter the antidote to stress, which can weaken our immune system making us more vulnerable to diseases.  Laugh more = Sick less.

4. Pain Management and Physical Relief

Laughter has been shown to increase pain tolerance. In clinical settings, patients who watched funny videos required less pain medication than those who didn’t. Laughter interrupts the pain-spasm cycle common to many muscle disorders, providing temporary relief from discomfort and tension.

5. Strengthens Social Bonds

Laughter is a powerful social glue. Sharing a laugh fosters connection, creates bonds, improves communication, builds trust, and increases intimacy.  When we laugh with others, it creates a sense of unity and belonging. Sharing a laugh is basically sharing your feelings.  This is especially beneficial for mental health, as strong social connections are a key factor in emotional resilience and longevity.

6. Boosts Mood and Fights Depression

Laughter shifts perspective and gives your mind a break from negative thoughts. Even during difficult times, finding something to laugh about—even dark humor—can help reframe your outlook and make challenges seem more manageable.

For people dealing with anxiety or depression, laughter doesn’t replace therapy or medication, but it can be an important coping tool that supports emotional recovery.

How to Add More Laughter to Your Life

  • Watch a comedy special or funny movie
  • Surround yourself with light-hearted, humorous people
  • Join an improv class
  • Follow social accounts or pages that share uplifting or silly content
  • Don’t take yourself too seriously—find joy in the little absurdities of life

Laughter won’t solve all of your problems, but it can certainly make them easier to face. It’s free! It’s contagious and readily available. So, the next time life feels overwhelming, give yourself permission to laugh. Your mind and body will thank you.

PEOPLE WHO NEED PEOPLE

KAVON

2 comments

July 7, 2025

A vibrant illustration showing diverse hands raised in front of a large, colorful heart against a blue background, symbolizing community and connection.

it is often said that misery loves company, but the truth is everyone loves company, (Of course, not all of the time!) and science has shown it contributes to both mental health, physical health, and longevity. Research has presented evidence that social isolation and loneliness can literally shorten your life by accelerating your biological age. Studies have also linked isolation and loneliness to an increased risk of diseases including cognitive decline and dementia. Community, no matter how small, is necessary. It still takes a village.

No one ever wants to feel alone. And I don’t mean to suggest that people shouldn’t enjoy some alone time. Quiet time. Space. Peace. There is a difference between being alone and being lonely. On occasion, we all need alone time. But we also need each other. We need people who understand us.  Relate to us. See us. Accept us. We need people who feel what we feel and with whom we can share our feelings. Clearly, I am no psychologist, but I do believe temporary, self-imposed isolation can be healthy and necessary.  Isolation 24/7/365? Not so much.  This is one reason people flock to social media. And maybe it helps, but make no mistake, it is no substitute for face-to-face interaction.  Hug emojis will NEVER replace human touch. Phones are great and necessary. Sometimes logistically the voice is the only option and by far, beats a blank! Connection takes many forms, and we all need connection.

We need people. You heard Babs. “People who need people are the luckiest people in the world.” And yes, I am a total Streisand geek! And? We need family.  Even if it’s a chosen family and not our blood family. We need friends. We need to know we are not alone. And we are not.

The truth is that if we are honest with ourselves, and with one another, you would rarely, if ever, be the only person in the room that is gay. That is trans That is grieving. That is struggling in silence. You’re not the only person that is broke. That is battling bad habits or full-fledged addiction. You’re not the only person that is scared, or lonely, or uncertain. You’re not the only person unemployed or underemployed! You’re not alone in feeling lost, inferior or invisible.  You’re not the only person that is exhausted, hanging on by a threat, depressed or sad. And lastly… That is black!!!(better get on ancestry and check!) I say this because I often find myself in places where I am the only person of color. It doesn’t really bother me, but recently, I do find that I notice this more than I did in the past. (Hmmmm. I wonder why?) But this isn’t about race, gender, or grief. It is about a broader truth; that even when we feel isolated, we are never truly alone. Rest assured, someone feels exactly as you do. They may hide it in polite conversation, but trust and believe, you are never alone. It can often feel that way because……

We are all hiding in plain sight.

At the end of the day, we all just want to feel at home. And I don’t mean home as in a piece of real estate. I don’t mean home in a physical sense. I mean this in an emotional sense. I mean home as a state of mind, and as a state of peace. Where we feel safe and heard, and understood, and respected, and appreciated. ( I know that’s not a proper sentence. Lots of that in this post. And?) A place where we don’t have to hide, shrink, perform, or apologize for being ourselves.

It is only when we accept ourselves that we can learn to accept others. When we start to see a little of us in them. When we recognize parts of ourselves in others. Even if the only common thread is our shared humanity. What we really need, especially in today’s world is to just “come out” as human. Come out! Come out! Wherever you are!

We need this now more than ever in the current chaotic political and cultural climate where we are being pushed further into division and isolation.  My hope is that once we get to the other side of this, (and we will) we will all emerge more compassionate with a deeper understanding of what it means to be human and choose to see the humanity in one another. We all deserve to feel at home in the world.

You are not alone. And if you know someone that you suspect might feel alone, please check on them!

*By the way, I’m thinking of starting a supper-social club. Of course, this would only apply to my local subscribers. Thoughts from my locals? I also wrote a novella I will be stalking you all to buy! You’ve been warned.*

Sent from Noodle’s Mom Mom’s iPhone

SUMMER OF SURVIVAL

KAVON

8 comments

June 29, 2025

Summer has always been more than just a season. It’s a feeling. It’s a time when the days stretch out before you, offering time and space to reflect, heal, and to grow like those collards in the garden. It’s a season where everything feels just a little more possible. It’s a season of longer days and louder laughter. Feeling the sun on your skin, you’re reminded that even after the longest winters, warmth returns. It’s the season of cookouts and the smell of barbecue and music drifting through open windows.  It’s a time of vacations and escapes from routine.

For me now, summer is less about escape and more about rediscovery. It’s a season for looking inward, and for daring to believe that some pieces of joy can still be found buried beneath grief.

I have come to the realization that not only is my Black cracking. My Black is shattered. Cracks can be repaired to some degree. I can get filler if I want to poison myself. But how do you fix shattered? How do you pick up the many pieces of you and put them back together? Can you even do that?

I stare at the fragments sometime.  The little bits of myself scattered. It’s a shattering so complete that I sometimes don’t recognize what’s left. I don’t recognize me.

My goal this summer is to attempt to do this. I must. I miss living, and let’s be real—I have far fewer summers ahead of me than behind. To quote the line from Shawshank: Get busy living or get busy dying. I miss my life. Even some of the less pleasant parts. The days with too much to do. I miss the rhythm of normal. I miss the version of me that didn’t know this kind of pain.

The past five years have been BRU-TAL. They have been filled with loss. All kinds of loss. From loss of family, surrogate sisters, and friends—and although several were a result of death, some were the simple result of the death of a relationship. Not all loss comes with a funeral. Some of it is just absence. Silence.

The loss of friends who had no words when I was in pain, so they stayed silent and invisible. I even wrote a blog post to offer some guidance. I tried. I offered the roadmap. One thought after not seeing me for over a year it would be a good idea to start our first exchange telling me how great her granddaughter was doing—knowing I had just lost mine. One, after not seeing me for a year after my loss, thought it was appropriate to say, “I’m glad you’re in a better mood.” Bitch, grief is not a mood! It was—and is—my reality. Then proceeded to attempt to engage in some sort of “grief-off!” As if pain were a competition with trophies for surviving sorrow.

It is when you are at your lowest that you find out who your real friends are. You realize who really loves you, and your circle shrinks as a result. Friendships are like plants. Unattended, they die. Plants without water wither and die. Some friendships didn’t survive. No matter how many years. No matter how many memories. When you suffer the devastating loss of a child, you are just never the same person. You can’t be. Something so fundamental breaks in you. They were once a physical part of you, and I think to some degree, they remain a part of you. When you lose someone you love that deeply, they take a piece of you with them. A part of you dies as well. You don’t just lose them. You lose the you that you were with them.

Your true friends are the ones that love the new version of you. The shattered you. The scarred you. They are not hiding out waiting for the old you to return. Waiting for you to “get over it.” They will be waiting a long ass time—because you don’t get over it. EVER. You learn that this pain is a part of your life now. A constant companion. You carry it with you for the rest of your days, and if you are lucky, you carry it well. With grace. With courage. With honesty. No one can carry it for you, but true friends are there to lean on when it gets to be too heavy. Too much. And trust and believe, it gets to be too much. Often.

But this summer, I will try. I will pick up a piece at a time. I will not glue it back with shame or silence. I will breathe. I will learn to laugh without guilt and cry without apology. This summer is not about fixing the unfixable. It is about learning to live with the mosaic I have become. And maybe, just maybe, finding beauty in the shattered pieces redesigned.

(You may not hear from me weekly for a while, because I am working on bringing something new to the stage and one day, a screen other than this one!)

P.S. Please consider supporting the Ciré A. Forman All 4 Sports Foundation. https://donorbox.org/be-amazing https://cireaformanall4sportsfoundation.com/

“YOU HAVE TO LET ME BE AMAZING!” ~ Ciré A. Forman

KAVON

4 comments

January 23, 2023

https://www.cireaformanall4sportsfoundation.com

https://www.fox29.com/news/people-just-loved-her-family-friends-students-gather-to-honor-a-young-cherry-hill-coach-killed

On 6/4/22 I wrote a post about the loss of my granddaughter, Ciré Forman.  In that post, I shared with my readers that one of my granddaughter’s goals was to establish a foundation or sports organization that would help to make sports more inclusive and accessible. An organization open to those with varying abilities. 

I am proud to announce that we have officially launched the Ciré A. Forman All 4 Sports Foundation.

Unfortunately, (but not really) the time that I would typically dedicate to researching, writing, and editing a post was spent setting up the foundation and assisting with the first official fundraiser.  On 1/13, Camden Catholic High School paid tribute to and celebrated Ciré by retiring her jersey in an emotional and bittersweet ceremony.  They also announced a scholarship in her name. Our family is truly honored for this recognition of our amazing girl.

The foundation’s first sold-out fundraising event took place immediately after.  Friends, family, and supporters gathered together for a bowling party.  As I sat there watching everyone have a great time bowling, I couldn’t help but think how much fun Ciré would have had kicking everyone’s ass in yet another sport!  (Are we calling bowling a sport?)

I am researching and have started several posts.  I just haven’t found the time to finish any of them.  I am hopeful I can find the motivation, time, and energy to recommit to my consistent blog posting.  I really do enjoy sharing anti-aging and wellness information.

The past few weeks have just been challenging and quite busy, (Between the holidays, launching the foundation, and the 1/13 events.) so I thank you in advance for your patience and continued support!……uh, and your donation! (Please visit the foundation site for details on how you can contribute to Ciré’s dream.)

https://www.cireaformanall4sportsfoundation.com

My Noodle – Cire Angelynn Forman – 2001-2022 Forever in my heart!

Live Longer on Purpose – Finding Your Why

KAVON

no comments

January 18, 2023

Photo by Mark Fletcher-Brown

As a follow-up to my last post, I wanted to talk more about the importance of figuring out your “reason.” Your “Why.”   And your “why” may even change from time to time, (growth perhaps) but there are actually anti-aging benefits to always having one.

Multiple studies have shown that having a purpose can actually extend your life!  It turns out that having a purpose is one of the keys to longevity. (One lock with many keys!) And that’s good news for those folks that are actually enjoying their time here.  But it’s also a wakeup call to those that aren’t enjoying their time.  Purpose almost always brings joy.

Living a meaningful life has been found to greatly contribute to not only improved mental health, but physical health as well.  There continues to be increasing evidence that having dreams, goals and a sense of purpose has been linked to better sleep, (which is beneficial to overall health and immune function!) lower risk of disease, as well as improved physical abilities, brain health, and cognitive performance.  Having a strong sense of purpose could potentially lower your risk for Alzheimer’s.

Purpose can lead to community and a strong sense of community and meaningful connection has been shown to increase life expectancy.  Just look at what are called the “Blue Zones” of the world.  These are places identified where people apparently have the highest life expectancy.  And while there are a few factors to consider, one of them has been determined to be a strong sense of community in those places.  (They’re also physically active, but I’ll get back to that in a future post!)

I don’t know how anyone else personally feels about this, but I feel that social media and the internet in some ways has been a double-edged sword.  Sure, it’s a great way to keep in touch with folks you are unable to see, and during the pandemic, it was a life saver.  But there’s no substitute for a touch, or a hug.  A text is not the same as hearing the voice of someone you love.

There is also overwhelming evidence to show that rates of loneliness and isolation have soared.  Did you know that loneliness is also a risk factor for disease? Human connection, or lack thereof is changing the world, and sadly, not in a positive way. (And we can’t blame covid.)  This was evident long before 2020!  People walk by one another and don’t say hello, whether they have their heads in their phones, or not.  Eye contact is rare, especially in the younger generations.  Whenever I pass someone and eye contact is made, I say “hello.” It’s just how we grew up.  But I digress….

So, back to purpose.  Perhaps you have skills you can share.  Maybe you have artistic ability and art you can share with the world.  Maybe you have a long-ignored passion project or some cause you are passionate about.  Maybe something pisses you off and you want to be a part of the change.  Maybe you love to write or cook.  Maybe you just love helping others.  (And you can help others without even leaving your home or putting on your shoes.) You can also help others by simply volunteering. (And by the way, we launched (family) a brand-new foundation in my granddaughter’s honor looking for volunteers and DONATIONS! The Ciré A. Forman All 4 Sports Foundation.  Just putting that out there!)

You might even help someone just by saying hello and offering up a smile. Something so simple can change a person’s day! Using your gifts in the service of others often leads to developing a sense of purpose. You might find that your gift may just be the act of spreading joy! (And no online classes or certificates are needed.)  We are all capable.

One positive thing about the internet is that is does provide you with numerous ways and platforms to share your gifts and talents with the world, as well as opportunities to develop communities, even if only in the digital world.  Trust me, whatever it is you enjoy, there are many folks out there that enjoy the same thing. Connect with them.

That said, I’m big on human connection.  I will always choose to see someone in person over talking on the phone!  (Even if it means wearing a mask!) Anyone that knows me, is aware of that fact.  Obviously, distance can be an issue and perhaps your only option is the phone, internet, and social media.  That’s all good. I just feel it is not ideal when it becomes your ONLY form of connection and communication.  On the flip side, once you decide what lights you up, research is a few taps away. (Once you weed through the BS, of course!) 

For those in a position, or with the desire to retire from their profession or work, or just having reached a certain age, one of the benefits is that you get your time back.  You get to do whatever you want, whenever you want.  So now what?

Some may feel that their job was their purpose.  (I’m guessing for many it was merely a paycheck.) You did what you HAD TO DO to pay the bills and keep the lights on.  You may have even enjoyed your work. Maybe you achieved all of your professional goals.  Achievements are great, but they can also be short term and quickly forgotten. They provided short-term satisfaction. But now it’s time to move on.  So, again I ask.  Now what?  Sit around and wait to die?  Well, if you don’t find or have a purpose, that day might be closer than you believe.

Finding a purpose can provide far greater satisfaction and fulfillment than any short-term goal or achievement. Purpose is ongoing.  Purpose is about making an impact.  (And perhaps you were able to make an impact in your career. Good for you!) Having a true purpose means recognizing your gifts and using them to contribute to the world.

Your purpose is your why.

“Good to have a plan.  Better to have a purpose.” ~ unknown

Reasons – That You’re Here (aka Purpose)

KAVON

no comments

January 9, 2023

Okay, so everyone that personally knows me is quite aware that I’m a huge Earth, Wind & Fire fan. But no, I’m not talking about their hit song “Reasons.”  Although some of the lyrics do apply.  Well not the “I’m craving your body” part!   But for sure, the “I don’t want to feel, and I’m in the wrong place to be real” part!  Not a day goes by where I don’t wake up for the past 6-7 months, not wanting this to be real!

I don’t think it’s a secret that for the same length of time, I have been seriously questioning a lot of things.  I’m sure I’m not alone.  Even my religious friends have shared with me that they’ve actually questioned their own beliefs following the June 4th accident that took my granddaughter’s life.  And no, this is not yet another post about the accident. This is about healing.  This is about the reasons that you’re here.

The pain of the tragic loss of my granddaughter has at times felt unbearable.  To lose someone that you have dedicated so much of what you do in life to, has felt earth shattering.  One of the very important people; one that kept me going on bad days, and got me out of bed, is no longer physically with us. 

She was such a factor in all that I do. The real estate investments were not just rental income for my future days, but something I wanted to leave behind to give her a head start in the world.  I knew she would take care of her mom and her brother.  She had already started to take interest in investments, credit, and finances which is rare for someone her age! She had just received her first credit card and opened a bank account. (Where she wisely, saved her money and spent everyone else’s!  My girl! LOL Very much into the OPM situation.)

I have friends that have inherited, or will inherit from their parents, and as a result, are a little less concerned about their retirement than I am.  I was parentless is 17.  Social security was all there was, and that was short-lived.  I have had to work hard for everything I’ve been able to secure.  (There were times when I had not one, not two, but three jobs, AND a side hustle!) There wasn’t even an insurance policy that I’m aware of when I lost my mom.  If there was, I didn’t see a dime of it.  So, my goal has always been to make sure that my kids had a little more security than I did.

So, everything I have done in the past 21 years has not only been for me, but for my daughter and her kids. When the accident happened, I lost a huge part of what I had devoted the last 21 years of my life to.  They were all the motivation I needed. Instead, for the past 7 months, the eagerness to get up and get rolling some days is all but gone. The loss can make days feel meaningless.  When someone we love dies, the part of us that was connected to them, dies with them.

The pain tears you up inside.  You have days where you think you can’t go on.  I imagine that many contemplate suicide.  My grief counselor shared with me that she had suicidal thoughts after losing her son, but never acted on them.  Instead, she has dedicated her life to helping others to manage their pain and grief.  She redefined her reason for living.  Many people like her, do just that.  They overcome life’s challenges by helping others facing similar challenges. 

And that is exactly what me and mine must now do.  We have a choice.  We can just give up, or we can redefine our reason for living.  And I have already reminded my daughter, we are being watched over. Giving up is NOT an option.  Our girl wouldn’t have quit.  And she would be very disappointed in us if we did!  We still love and NEED EACH OTHER. That alone is a pretty good reason to keep going.

At some point we all must face struggles in our lives. These challenges shape who we become.  I also think we all, at one time or another, question our purpose here on earth.  Typically, this occurs during a major transition or loss. (Like right now!)

BUT we all possess the power to rebuild our lives and to become the best version of ourselves.  It ain’t easy, but it is certainly necessary.  We must learn to assign new meaning to our lives. What we cannot do is underestimate our value in the world.  We MUST believe there is always a light at the end of the tunnel, even if right now, we can’t seem to see it. We must believe that we have a reason for being here.  We all have a purpose.  Some just never take the time to discover what their purpose is. Sometimes, it takes a tragedy to get us to stop and reexamine things. It also teaches us the value of time and that there is none to waste. Figure out what sets your soul on fire. Do more of that!

We all have skills, talents, and experiences to share. True purpose is about recognizing your value and recognizing your gifts. And when I say gifts, I’m not necessarily talking about artistic talents, or musical abilities.  Quiet as it’s kept, we CAN’T all sing. 

You may discover that your purpose can be as simple as bringing more joy to others.  It can be helping others in a myriad of ways.  There is always someone’s day you can brighten! Maybe that’s all the purpose you need. Having a sense of personal purpose is what sustains us.  It’s uniquely ours.

For me, what currently keeps me going is of course, my daughter and my grandson. My writing is another.  I tell myself each time I sit down to write, which could very well be my purpose, there is always someone that needs to hear what I have to say.  That took a while to realize and accept.  I still struggle with it. But I believe there is always someone that may appreciate my unique perspective.  There are always folks out there that need a good laugh. (Even if it is at themselves.) I have an opportunity each day to make someone smile, whether through my words or actions. 

Find your reason for being.  Figure out your gifts and share them.  Someone needs you.  And it may just be someone you’ve never met. 

Top Photo by Amer Mughawish

Bottom Photo by Nathan Lemon

New Life Resolutions – 2023 & Beyond

KAVON

4 comments

January 1, 2023

  • TO HEAL
  • To look in the mirror and see myself again and not just see Noodle’s Mom Mom. (Although I will always claim that title like the badge of honor it is!)
  • To be as generous with myself as I have been with others.  Allow myself quiet time to heal.  Give myself (and others) the permission to cry. To give others the space and room to manage their own grief.
  • Ask myself what I want and need from myself and others and get over the fear of asking.
  • Surround myself regularly with those that understand the pain and share my feelings of not just loss, but of a shared love.  To be with those that do not require me to censor my feelings. To be with those that can share our thoughts and our pain openly and honestly. But also to celebrate her life.
  • Carry more happy memories and less pain and guilt.  Accept that I am human and the feelings I have are normal. It takes time to recover from such a shock and loss. Parental grief is not only mental, but physical and takes longer to recover from than ANY other type of loss. (Psychological fact. PLEASE do not keep calling me to talk about your second cousin to the third power!  Or your hamster. I am so over the grief-off competition.)
  • To not be bitter and angry.  To not look at families with longing, sadness, and jealousy. To not envy happy people.
  • To keep my girl alive in our hearts and celebrate her.  She is still part of our spiritual family.  The body is gone.  The spirit is still with us.  She is still part of the universe.
  • Acceptance that life is forever changed, but to survive the loss. To find moments of peace and happiness and allow them to expand into hours, days and weeks.
  • Be grateful for the 21 years of pure joy.  To appreciate that she lived more in 21 years than I’ve lived in 60! Reclaim the ambition, drive and bravery she demonstrated daily! (I used to be her. I seemed to have lost that part of myself.)
  • To seek help if I find it impossible to manage the pain on my own and encourage those that I love to do the same.
  • MORE – Eat more greens.  Take more walks.  More Meditation.  Lift more weights.  To convince more of the folks I love to do the same. Create more opportunities to share my gifts with the world.

Photo by engin akyurt

Grief’s First Christmas & The Gift of Compassion

KAVON

9 comments

December 19, 2022

“And we wept that one so lovely should have a life so brief.”  William Cullen Bryant

I received my first and possibly only Christmas gift in the mail. (Don’t worry. I could care less. Unless someone wants to buy my new roof!) My good friend sent me a book on grieving entitled “Grieving is Loving. Compassionate words for Bearing the Unbearable.” By Joanne Cacciatore, Ph.D.  I’ve quoted from the book a few times in this post and highly recommend it for anyone experiencing grief this holiday season. (Hopefully, Joanne won’t mind!)

Believe it or not, it was the perfect gift.  And by the way, never ask a grieving person what they want for Christmas.  You know the answer.  They want their loved ones returned to them.

But real talk, the only thing you really want for the first Christmas without your loved one is for it to be over.  Holidays center around family, which under normal circumstances is a wonderful thing.  But nothing about these circumstances is normal. 

“For many, when someone we love deeply dies, life is not normal-not yesterday, not today, and not tomorrow. Life is forever changed.”

There will be an empty seat at the table.  The person that would normally annoy the living hell out of me by eating my lovingly prepared gourmet meal out of a plastic take-out container won’t be there.  No idea what that girl’s issues were with plates.  I wonder what a plate ever did to her. 

Her grandpop, (one of several) said to me recently, “I miss her asking me to do shit I didn’t want to do.”  We miss the texts that just said, “mom mom.” Or “pop pop,” or “Yo Debs,” and then nothing.  You just sat there waiting for the other shoe to drop!  You thought to yourself, “What’s this going to cost me?” How far do I have to drive?” He was right.  We all miss her asking us to do shit we didn’t want to do, that after she went through her “ask-a-dex,” one of us would inevitably end up doing. (Often Debs!)

One of her other grandmoms texted me a few days ago that she too was sad.  She was thinking about how much she missed the last-minute Christmas list.  We all miss her, and the holidays seem to just amplify that pain and that absence.  Beneath the rare glimpse of our smiles lies much pain. We miss her every moment, of every hour, of every day, week, and month that has unfolded since June 4th.

A year ago, this past weekend, her mom and I just followed her around the Nike and Adidas stores in NYC whipping out cards when summoned.  Shopping was followed by taking in all the holiday festivities in the city, and then “snot bubble” laughter over Italian Food. For me, it was one of the happiest holiday memories ever.  I will cherish it forever.  I loved spending time with my two favorite girls, and I’ve been a Christmas geek my entire life.

I started thinking about just how many people are sadly sharing this experience with us.  I thought about the countless number of people who had empty seats for the past two years of holidays because of Covid.  I’m thinking about the empty seats at the tables of the families of those slain college students, and the empty seats of the families of the victims of the nightclub shooting in Denver. I’m thinking about the numerous people of Ukraine who lost some, or even all their family as a result of another stupid ass war. (I have said for many years, greed would destroy the world.) I wonder how those families are holding up.  How do they get out of bed?  Are they keeping wineries in business too? Did they put up a Christmas tree only to see it sit naked for a week because, who cares?

I read this statement in the book and it holds a lot of truth.  “Usually, the world pays no attention to death until it’s personal.”

Well, it’s personal.  And grief is such a lonely place.  I personally have found that is important to surround yourself and keep close to those that know this place and space.  They share this space.  You can lean on each other.  You can share not only the love but the pain that only they may understand.   

Well-meaning friends may even just try to avoid you. I feel that. I understand that.  I feel the dark cloud I’ve been surrounded by, and the truth is, I avoid them as well.  Even through texts, you feel the pressure to move on.  Your pain makes them uncomfortable.  They just don’t understand.  And when folks tell me they can imagine what I must be going through, I often tell them, “No you can’t, and to be grateful for that!”  Not only do I get to experience my own grief, I get to witness my daughter’s pain. (Which often is worse.)  I love my kid and like any parent, you never want to see your children in pain and suffering.  Nursing her back from MS was easy.  But there are no supplements, dietary changes, or exercise that will take away the pain of this loss. (Although, it is a fact that exercise and diet can have a positive effect on mental health, mood, and energy, as well as reduce stress.) All I can do is be there; hug her and listen when she feels like talking. FOR AS LONG AS IT TAKES.

These three passages from the book put into words my exact thoughts:

“When others bypass, dismiss, ignore, minimize, and shame our grief it exaggerates the distance between us and them, between those suffering and those not suffering.”

“Please just sit beside me. Say nothing.  Do not offer a cure.  Or a pill, or a word, or a potion. Witness my suffering and do not turn away from me. Please be gentle with me.”

“Don’t tell me God has a plan for me. Don’t tell me what’s right or wrong.  I’m doing it my way, in my time.”

Seriously, I get it!  People lose patience with you.  But the truth is that the unpleasant journey through grief takes time.  And most likely we will grieve on some level for the rest of our lives.

But here’s the deal. Whether painful or pleasant, experiences should teach us something.  In this case, I think compassion is the lesson. It has been for me.  I find myself thinking about others more often. 

Even outside of our circle, we are not alone.  People all over the world are experiencing loss and grief this holiday season.  Think of them.  Send them love.  And then realize how fortunate you are if you are not one of those people.  Give yourself the gift of compassion. 

Muscles Are Medicine – An Easy Pill To Swallow

KAVON

no comments

December 5, 2022

This post is an attempt to do my part in helping to eliminate some plastic from the environment.  And the plastic that I’m referring to is the plastic used to manufacture the bottles that contains some of those pills in our over-drugged society.  I am asking you to help me to rid the planet of the dreaded pill bottle!

Now, I’m not suggesting you just stop taking your meds!  I’m going to keep popping my BP pills until I get my pressure where it belongs!  It’s been a challenging year, but I haven’t given up. Even with several factors like stress and menopause working against me, I believe wholeheartedly that it is possible and a goal that I WILL achieve. 

What I am suggesting is that you get off your ass and go exercise.  (Weight bearing is best! Even if it’s just your own body weight!) Why?  Because newsflash!!!! MUSCLES ARE THE BEST MEDICINE! Much better than anything big pharma is peddling and best of all, IT’S FREE!!!!!! No insurance claims needed.  No visit to CVS.  Just get up from wherever you are sitting. (When you finish reading!)

Newsflash #2.  EXERCISE IS NOT OPTIONAL. (AT ANY AGE, BUT EXPECIALLY AS WE AGE.)  You don’t exercise just to lose weight!  You exercise to lose disease and increase health span.

Newsflash #3.  WE ARE ALL AGING! There ain’t s*#t, we can do about that, but die.  BUT we can change the way we age.  We have the power to slow down the effects of aging.

If you’ve been around for a while, you know this isn’t my first post on the importance of maintaining muscle mass. BUT I’M BACK……….

Let’s start with the bad news and get it out of the way.  Here’s what happens to your muscles when you don’t use them. YOU LOSE THEM! They atrophy.  Just like you, they shrivel up and eventually die.  They break down and as a result, decrease in size and strength.  Not only is it not a good look, lack of muscles and strength can eventually result in injury, or worse. Death!

Those muscles you aren’t using just happen to support and protect your organs.  They provide support for your joints, ligaments, and tendons.  They help to prevent injury by decreasing the likelihood of falling!   (You’ve fallen and you could have gotten the hell up had you done some strength training!)

You don’t want to know the mortality stats after a fall! Let’s just put it this way, a whole lotta folks are gone within five years of a fall depending upon their age and health.   

Maintaining muscle mass as we age has so many health benefits.  So, let me start with a few of them that you might be familiar with! In addition to benefits to brain function and cognition, how about a reduction in anxiety, depression, fatigue, inflammation (the cause of most disease!)  and my personal favorite, stress!!! Active muscle helps support immune function.

I recently attended an online University of Penn Medicine workshop and want to share a few things that I learned. Exercise can lower mortality by 30%.  Diet 30%. Cardiovascular disease is the #1 killer of women in the US.   It kills more women than all cancers combined.  80% of it is preventable by lifestyle prevention such as diet & EXCERISE.

And here are a few that might hit home with my peeps as we enter the both the holiday, flu, and for some, the blues season! (And no, not referring to the genre of music! Depression!) Oh, and let us not forget about that whole Covid thing.

Diabetes.  (Step away from the pie!)

Heard of it?  How about insulin sensitivity? Insulin sensitivity = your body’s response to insulin.  Increased insulin sensitivity = lower blood sugar. Here’s why that’s a good thing!

Because diabetes, also known as high blood sugar, can lead to decreased immune function, blindness, ED (Erectile dysfunction) as well as cardiovascular/heart disease, and death.  

But did you know you can decrease your blood sugar levels with exercise and through building muscle? Exercising increases your body’s glucose consumption. (Less of it floating around in your bloodstream is a good thing!)

Immune Function

It has been shown that building and maintaining lean muscle helps to maintain immune function. Muscle contractions move lymph throughout the body, collecting and cleaning out waste products that result from the biochemical reactions that take place in your tissues 24/7. When you’re sick, lymph collects the garbage and takes it to the curb! (Flushes it out)

Bone Health

Our muscles’ main job is to move our skeleton around.  That skeleton supports the structure of our bodies. The skeleton bears the weight of our entire body.  Increased muscle mass will also result in an increase in our bone density. As a result of putting weight on a bone, (Even body weight!) it will build and rebuild to support that weight. More density = more strength.

Weight training (and again, even body weight) is the ultimate load-bearing exercise as it will not only build muscle, but will increase bone density.  This is especially important to my menopausal sisters! And you don’t have to run to the gym and start powerlifting.  You can also build bone from activities such as walking, running, or jumping rope. Hell, just by standing!

Cell Health

Does anyone remember mitochondria from school many moons ago?  Me either. (Science, biology?) It’s all a blur for me.  But here’s a recap for those of us that can’t remember anything we learned in school 1000 years ago.

“Mitochondria are membrane-bound cell organelles (mitochondrion, singular) that generate most of the chemical energy needed to power the cell’s biochemical reactions. Chemical energy produced by the mitochondria is stored in a small molecule called adenosine triphosphate (ATP).”

What’s that got to do with exercise, you ask? Okay, you didn’t ask, but I’m going to tell you. Evidence exists that exercise rejuvenates mitochondrial function. “This illustrates the power of exercise to act as mitochondrial medicine in muscle.”

Mitochondria are the powerhouses of the cell. Most of the cell’s energy gets produced there. As we age, mitochondria can lose the ability to create energy or become less efficient in this process. Our cells replicate rapidly when we are young. But, as we age, certain cells lose the ability to divide. Unfortunately, they don’t just die.  They hang out and wreak havoc. 

“Maintaining skeletal muscle mitochondrial content and function is important for sustained health throughout the lifespan. Exercise stimulates important key stress signals that control skeletal mitochondrial biogenesis and function.”

Yeah, what he said.

Exercise Is Muscle Mitochondrial Medicine.Exercise not only positively impacts younger and healthier folks, but it can also benefit the elderly and diseased by affecting the severity of disease.

And finally, here are a few more functions of muscle that might be of interest to you.

You know that heart beating in there.  Well, it just happens to be the muscular organ pumping blood through your body.  This blood sends oxygen and distributing nutrients to the organs and tissues throughout your body.  (Among other things.) And then there’s that whole expanding and contracting of organs also known as BREATHING that requires some muscle.

I hope after reading this you at least stand up!

And then how about us older folk do our part to eliminate some plastic? PILL BOTTLES. (And some of my younger readers can do what they can now, to eliminate the need for pill bottles in the future!)

Win. Win. We can save the planet and our lives.