Somewhere inside all of us lives our wounded inner child. She’s (or HE’s!) small. (Well not anymore, especially in that midsection.) Emotional. Possibly wearing pajamas at noon. Whispering, “You know what would fix this? Some toll house cookies! Or brownies!”
Not one brownie. A whole ass pan of brownies! Warm. Fresh out of the oven. Walnuts. They’re good for you. I mean, this is all for healing purposes, of course.
But here’s the thing, that inner child doesn’t actually want brownies. Or cookies. Or Cheez-its. She (or HE!) wants comfort. Safety. Validation. And maybe needs a hug or a nap. The problem is, if we let our inner child run the show, we’d all be living on sugar, avoidance, and impulsive decisions. (Mostly bad ones.)
Your past may explain your cravings, but it doesn’t get to control your calendar, your choices, or your waistline. Unlike most, my wounded inner child ain’t hungry. My adult wounds are a whole other story and typically it involves potatoes and frying.
Healing starts with recognizing there is a problem that needs to be addressed and the realization that we are not only hurting ourselves, we’re also likely hurting others. Say, maybe you’re taking your anger out on the last person that your anger should be directed at……It is said, anger most hurts the person carrying it around and that may be true, but there are usually other victims. Don’t mess around and have your angry inner child get your ass whupped!
So maybe stop packing those issues into the already cluttered closet in your mind and dealing with them.
Go ahead and pat your inner child on the head and whisper, “I see you. I hear you. But no, we are not self-soothing with (insert your go-to here) today. AND, we are not subjecting others to our tantrums.”
Your past had limited tools. Your present has options. (Like therapy, which can be done online and it’s pretty inexpensive.) My friend Barb and past guest contributor is a therapist and if I’m not mistaken, works with folks on the site Betterhelp.com. Your future deserves someone at the wheel who knows the difference between hunger and hurt.
One thing I loved about living in LA was that EVERYONE had a therapist and there was absolutely no shame in their game. I was referred to this older woman with spooky eyes that I swear could see through my soul. I saw her a few times. Let’s just say it didn’t take her long to get to the root of my perfectionist and controlling behavior and my inability to allow myself to be taken care of. I know I have written about this in another post, (it’s an excerpt from a book I’ve been working on for a few years about loss.) but my mother was dying for most of my life. I always did what she told me to do. (Ok almost always.) I think I believed if I was perfect, she would get better. If I was perfect, she wouldn’t die. I was wrong. She died, but sadly my battle with perfection lived on. The inner child that survived became a rescuer. And some times she rescues others at the cost of her own safety and security. Sometimes she rescues undeserving individuals. It’s like the standard airline safety phrase, “Put on your own oxygen mask first before assisting others.” This instruction ensures you remain conscious to help those around you. You cannot help anyone else if your ass is passed out!
“The desire to be perfect and expect others to be perfect is just disappointment waiting to happen at every turn. What I learned and continue to learn is to expect others to be human. Be the best human I can be. Perfect girls don’t get peace.” (quoting myself!)
Parenting is not easy. That is why I’m a firm believer that not everyone should be a parent. There is no manual. No road map. Most of us screw it up at one point or another. Some far worse than others. My biggest regret as a parent was missing out time with my daughter when she probably needed me the most. And no, I wasn’t out partying. I had multiple jobs and often worked seven days a week or at night on weekends. It haunts me to this day, and she is good and grown. Sure, it is a life lesson for me, but it is one that not only affected my life, but it affected hers as well. No amount of weight training can prepare you for the weight of guilt! Many of us didn’t get what we needed or maybe got a little too much and too much of anything can present problems.
And not all our wounded inner children crave baked goods. For some, the self-soothing options are even more unhealthy and downright dangerous.
The bottom line is don’t let yesterday sabotage today or tomorrow with a brownie tray and a guilt spiral.
Your past can visit, but it does not get a key. Don’t let it hang around too long, or you’ll end up with a squatter.
So yes, love your inner child.
Reparent her. (or him) Your mom likely did the best she could with the tools and experiences she had available to her.
Protect her. (or him)
Just don’t let them grocery shop unsupervised.