Where my 80’s music fans at? Remember that song, ironically by a group called Klymaxx?
“Don’t you know the men all pause
when I walked into the room. The men all pause
and the brides held their grooms”
Yeah. Only pause I’ve got is the meno-pause!
Why is it that we go from one extreme to another? First, you never heard the word menopause and now you can’t escape it. It’s a hot topic for sure. The key word there is “hot.” Women in menopause are hot (and moist!) in all the wrong places! (Sidebar. I have a nephew who hates the word “moist,” which cracks me up and makes me want to say it repeatedly in his presence!) Too bad our sex organs aren’t located on the back of our necks. It’s good and hot back there!
I recently had a conversation with a friend who said menopause is the reason men in their 50’s and 60’s date and marry much younger women. Their older girlfriends and wives have zero desire for sex, or them. I get it although, come on! That is not the only reason. It might not even be the top reason, but I did understand where he was coming from. I have a bunch of male friends. One said, “I don’t want to cheat, but what am I supposed to do?” Meanwhile, they have a blue pill. Big pharma ain’t got S*#T for us!
That said, if you happen to be in a relationship, you better figure something out. I definitely understood his position. Menopause, if you are in a relationship, is not just a change for you. It is a transition for both you and your partner. There must me a mutual understanding of what the hell is happening! While it seems to just be happening to us, it is a shared experience that challenges both parties in the relationship. Symptoms of menopause, and I can speak from experience, can make you more easily irritated which can be challenging for your partner to navigate and can lead to feelings of anger and isolation on both sides.
Statistically, it is normal during the menopausal years for a woman’s libido to wane often resulting in one partner wanting more sex than the other. Sometimes it started out that way, and menopause only made it worse! Sadly, statistics also seem to show there is a correlation between menopause and divorce rates. The symptoms of menopause can drastically impact a relationship. While menopause might not be the sole reason for divorce, it can be a contributing factor. Navigating this phase requires open and honest communication, as well as educating ourselves.
The physical changes can make engaging in sex painful. Between the decreased libido and the pain….Houston! I think we have a problem! And to add insult to injury, the physical changes women go through during menopause often affect their confidence and self-esteem. The physical changes often affect women emotionally as well. Ask me. I know. Just getting dressed some days is depressing when your clothes no longer fit the way they used to. When you look in the mirror and the front and the back are starting to look the same, you might not feel all that attractive. A change in body image and feeling less attractive can have a major impact on women. Add to that, the decreasing levels of estrogen and you have the perfect cocktail for a decline in a woman’s desire to have sex! You also might not have the same level of sensitivity, making it less enjoyable. Sadly, there’s no pill for that. Overall health issues as we age, can also result in less energy which can be another factor affecting sex drive. FAFO waking up a sleeping menopausal woman. It won’t be pretty.
Thinking back on my friend’s comments, a decreased libido caused by menopause can result in resentment and frustration. This might cause men to engage in affairs which likely will lead to a divorce. Because women in menopause are not only short on hormones, we’re also short on patience and tolerance for BS!
So, what can we do? What can men do to support us?
BE PATIENT! Be patient with yourself. If you are in a relationship, be patient with your partner. And I mean that from both sides of the relationship. He’s going through this with you!
Men can help by gaining an understanding of what is happening to us both physically and emotionally. I know it is a tall order, but try not to take things personally. I know you are freezing, but please let us control the thermostat. You can always put more clothes on, but we can only take so much off until we are just a flaming hot skin suit! Regularly show us some love and support. And lastly, encourage and suggest activities that will help to promote her well-being. This will benefit men as well. Activities that include relaxation techniques, as well as physical activities that AREN’T SEX!
That said, I have always believed that engaging in sex is part of a healthy lifestyle. Research has shown that it has not only physical and psychological benefits, it has anti-aging benefits as well, but considering the circumstances, maybe try establishing a habit of taking walks together, hitting the gym together, or maybe some yoga classes.
What’s a girl to do?
If possible, use it or lose it! Consider hormone therapy as an option. Talk to your doc so you can weigh the benefits versus the risk. Check your meds. Some meds can affect your libido. Go shopping! No, not for clothes. Hint! Hint! Look for ways to reduce stress. And lastly, EXERCISE! EXERCISE! EXERCISE!
“Exercise can have immediate effects like increasing blood flow—which can, in turn, improve your sex drive.”
“Turns out, pumping iron = pumping blood. Acute (or moderate) exercise increases blood flow to the genitals, activating the sympathetic nervous system,” says Amelia M. Stanton, PhD, a researcher and assistant professor in the Department of Psychological & Brain Sciences at Boston University.
A healthier lifestyle, a better diet, and physical activity can have a major impact on your self-image and sexuality as you navigate this phase of life.
And one final thought. Remember this one thing.
You are alive. Be grateful. Yes, your abdomen might be sliding down your thighs a bit, BUT you lived long enough to experience this transition and not the other kind! (Insert wide-eyed emoji here…or the praying hands if that’s your thing!)
https://www.hopkinsmedicine.org/health/wellness-and-prevention/how-sex-changes-after-menopause
https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/29606554
https://www.womenshealthmag.com/sex-and-love/a61865131/workout-routine-sex-drive
Great post!
Thanks for your comment and your support.