My best friend bought me a journal for my birthday last year. There are no lines in this journal, which is actually fitting. I’ve never been that girl that followed a straight line anyway. My path has been anything but linear.
I was old when I was young. I was young and fearless. I think the consensus is that you become fearless, not start out that way. Nope! I should be fearless now and I’ve never been more scared. Not of death, but of never having lived the life I was intended to live because of fear.
I tried a lot of things when I was younger and bolder. I got really close to what many would have interpreted as successful, yet for various reasons I never quite crossed the finish line. (A bunch of what I interpreted as false starts.) I blamed others. I blamed myself. I failed a lot. At least that’s how I viewed it, which makes me fearful now of failing again.
I have to say everything I set out to do (in my mind) and “decided” I was doing or having, I did and I got. Sometimes in amazement I would think to myself, “Well how the hell did you pull that off?” I saw myself where I wanted to be. I never gave much thought to the how, but there are numerous examples of the universe complying with my desires and decisions. So, if I know in my heart that its that simple, (not necessarily easy) why the fear? It makes zero sense. A close friend once told me that they believed I feared success. I thought that was a ridiculous statement back then. Now. Not so much.
So if you’ve been reading my posts, you know me and you know once I started thinking about fear, research would follow.
As someone who has experienced this firsthand, the fear of failure is powerful. It can be deeply paralyzing. It is obviously deeply embedded in me as a result of what I perceived as past failures and has apparently resulted in a slight lack of confidence.
In the book “Millionaires Path,” Mark Fisher writes that we’re born with two fears. “1.Falling 2. Loud noises. All other fears are acquired.”
My irrational fear has stemmed from my perceived failures. But were they actually failures? Or, just lessons preparing me for the real deal?
Although fear isn’t technically a disease, it can cause “dis-ease.” It can be debilitating and can keep you from living fully.
The definitions I discovered:
Fear; making someone weak, to weaken, serious impairment of strength or ability to function.
Fear actually has a biochemical response!
Fear; A distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain……..
WHETHER THE THREAT IS REAL OR IMAGINED.
“Fear impacts ones thinking and decision making in negative ways leaving us vulnerable to intense emotions and impulse reactions.”
Fear can make us avoid decisions resulting in missed opportunities. I know this one first hand!
When I finished writing my collection of short stories (Let’s call it a collection about monogamy, or lack thereof!) I was terrified to let anyone outside of close friends and family read it. TERRIFIED. What if they think it sucks? I might be embarrassed. What if they get mad that I wasted their time reading my BS? I had all these distressing thoughts. (And none of those things would end my life, so what was I afraid of? Has anyone actually died from embarrassment?)
But my friend, once again, convinced me otherwise. My family told me it was good, but I figured they loved me too much to be 100% honest and wouldn’t want to discourage me. She, I trusted to tell me what she really thought of it. I also know that she’s very creative and would at the very least make some great suggestions on how to make it better. (She doesn’t know how creative she is….shhhhhhh) Her reaction was unexpected. “You have to put this on stage!” she said.
Well, months later, I finally got up the courage to send it to a friend of mine who I had told about it long before. When he texted me from the beach in Jamaica and said he was reading it (and said, he never read at the beach or something to that affect) and wanted to connect me with a friend of his who was a TV writer, I finally thought, well damn! I might have something here. BUT, I was STILL AFRAID!
I stepped outside of my fear and comfort zone and sent it off. The rest is history. (Short history thank you Covid and Trump!) But my fear continued.
I was afraid to send it to the actresses thinking they might think, “I’m not performing this crap!” I was REALLY fearful when another friend stopped by the casting that had performed in the theater for years and was now one of the top entertainment attorneys in the country!
Yet, he texted me from his flight hours later, “I think what you have is gold!” Which coming from him was a huge compliment! Did my fear go away? NOPE!
I was terrified during rehearsals and wasn’t sure I was going to make it through the show. When the curtains opened to a sold out show, I thought my heart was going to jump out of my chest. No, I sat there thinking there are almost 400 people here that know me! (Shout out to my girls, my sister, my daughter and my best friend who came with like forty family members! They kicked ass selling those tickets. I think Tyler Perry only had 40 people at this first show! But then my fear based thought was, “Well he only had to apologize to 40 people!) Instead, I sat there thinking, how will I face them if this sucks?
No matter how many people told me they thought it was good, I could not shake that fear! Months later when I presented it again after a tremendous response, I was once again, scared shitless!
Fear is a powerful emotion. Even low-level fear that is constantly present, can keep you from living your life and fulfilling your dreams. The night of the play was one of the highlights of my life. Very few things felt as good as hearing the first person laugh and then another until the entire theater erupted in laughter. And I almost robbed myself of that pleasure because of fear.
Not only can fear rob us of great pleasure, fear, according to Dr. Northrup, lowers your energy vibration making us susceptible to viruses, which is all bad in 2020!
Fear’s “biochemical state adversely affects your immunity. Fear shuts down your gut.” And your gut is where most of your immune system resides. And newsflash, “You’re going to need that for the next year for sure!”
“Fear short circuits your brain. Creates an overactive mind. Fear affects rational thought. Fear is also associated with depression, fatigue and accelerated aging.” (Black crackage! Oh hell no!)
Ever heard the phrase about “worrying yourself to death?” It’s real! Worry is fear! Fear about the future. Fear about things that haven’t happened!
And while I am talking about fear, please indulge me while I speak briefly about something else that is often a result of fear. (And quite a timely subject, I might add) RACISM!
Former U.N. Ambassador and civil rights leader, Andrew Young said, “Racism is based on fear.”
Michael Balter said in an article back in 2010, “When social fear disappears, so does racism.” Prejudice stems from fear of people from different social groups.
In a 2005 Paper in Sciences, NYU Psychologist Elizabeth Phelps and colleagues did an experiment that concluded that racial bias was linked to a deep-seated fear of people perceived as members of a different social group. Fear was diminished in people who had more contact with members of others groups.
Again, as Mark Fisher stated, “We’re born with two fears. 1.Falling 2. Loud noises. All other fears are acquired.” Some of those fears come from, and are taught to children from parents. (Typically a combination of fear and ignorance or fear based on ignorance!)
Director of Stress, Trauma and Anxiety Research at Michigan’s Wayne State University, Psychologist and Behavioral Neuroscientist, Arash Javanbakht states, “Fear is uninformed, illogical and often dumb!”
And speaking of “fear” and “dumb” check out this article about how fear has been a huge part of Trump’s politics!
Fear of this guy is definitely NOT ILLOGICAL! In my opinion, another four years of this President is definitely a legit fear. Hell, I find myself longing for the days when I just had my own personal fears to contend with. Now I have to fear what happens to the planet, women’s rights, black folks and pretty much all people of color! Really? Can’t I just go back to fearing that my writing sucks?
The response to fear is fight or flight and sadly this can often lead to violence as the many police shootings have demonstrated. (Some are blatant racism and others are just based on fear, along with ignorance and lack of training!)
But in closing (and so I can go to bed NOT thinking about Trump) I would like to end on a positive note.
The best thing I can do for myself and that any of us can do is to deal with our fears. Notice our fears and tackle our fears. While some fear is useful and protects us, most do not serve us, so try to keep this in mind when you are experiencing the type of fear I’m talking about. Just think of this:
False
Evidence
Appearing
Real
Excellent post! Informative, insightful, and inspiring!
Thank you for reading! I appreciate you taking the time to comment. I love it when someone says they were inspired by my words. You inspire me as well!
Man did I need to read this!!! Thanks Kay for putting yourself out here as you have. Your vulnerability makes you more relatable, we all need more of this right now!!!
Thank you for taking the time to read my post. The response has been very positive. I guess I’m not alone. Not that I thought I was. I know others feel the same irrational fears. Not to sound like Dr. Kay, but the first step toward change is acknowledging the issue. You can’t fight what you can’t see! Fight those fears! I bought myself a card and taped it to my monitor years ago. It is still there. It says “Life begins just outside of your comfort zone!” We have to push ourselves. Be bold. I said this in my post on dreaming. It’s okay to fail. Just fail forward.