My Black is NOT Cracking.

What to do. From the moment we wake up we are making decisions. We make choices. What to eat. What to wear. What we will do first. To some extent, how our day will go. Those decisions start with thoughts. We have thoughts and we make decisions based on those thoughts.

Some think of others before they make decisions. They put others first.  Some only think of themselves and make decision thinking only of themselves. They never really stop to think of how their decisions may affect others. Perhaps some even act without thought at all. Or they don’t quite think it through and act on impulse. Perhaps in response to pressure from outside sources. Or from some inner dialogue with some false sense of self.

I don’t know. I’ve had zero classes in psychology. But I do know this. One bad decision can forever change or end a life in an instant. A young man chose to drive recklessly, and potentially under the influence, and his decision ended my granddaughter’s life.

His decision is causing the suffering of countless people who loved her dearly and I imagine since he’s human, his own suffering.  She made the decision to get in the car with him. His decision may cost him years behind bars. Her decision cost her, her life. While he will get out and probably enjoy a full life, I’m guessing he will never be the same.  No matter how many years he might get behind bars, if he’s human, it’s a life sentence. That said, with therapy he may be okay. He can probably be fixed. She is just gone.  There is no fixing.

Two different price tags for similar bad decisions. So, I want folks to really give some thought to their decisions. Of course, you need to do what is best for you. But you need to consider others also.

When you are rushing to work, say you’re speeding. Think about how you can hurt yourself. Think about how you might hurt others. And for what? You can get another job. The movie will show again. There will be another sale, another flight, and another train. You’ll get there. Or maybe you won’t.  But you will be alive and at the end of the day, that is all that matters.

Think about the consequences of your decisions. Let’s use the above example and take speeding for instance. Worse case, you hurt someone or yourself. You could tear up your car and must put in a claim resulting in rate increases in your insurance.  You could be inconvenienced by not having your car. You could get a ticket; get points on your license and pay more insurance because of a surcharge for three whole years! That decision to speed could end up costing you thousands. Years. It could cost others heartbreak.

For what? So, you could be on time? Maybe make a different decision, like leaving earlier. Or make the decision to accept the consequences of being late. I mean, look at how costly just the decision to speed can be? My granddaughter’s bad decision has resulted in countless broken hearts. Mine included. She paid the ultimate price.

To make mistakes is to be human. “To err is human.” I was angry with her. I am sadder for her loss than my own. If I had to choose from knowing she’s alive and well and never seeing her, or having her just gone, I would choose not seeing her. She deserved a long, happy, fulfilling life. She was one of the best humans I know. I miss her. My heart literally aches.

We can’t change past decisions. We can’t change other’s decisions once they’ve acted on them. Now I have to make some decisions. Like, how will I go on without her?  Real talk, I haven’t lost anyone really close to me for 43 years. Truth is, I had less time with my mother than I had with my Noodle and quite frankly, more happy years. (She was sick a huge chunk of the time.) I loved my mother, but I also knew she was sick and suffering.  There was a sense of relief when she passed. Fortunately, everyone else I am close to is still here.  This is new for me.  As we age, we expect to lose friends to old age or illness.  We don’t expect to lose children to one bad decision.

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So how does one go on? Since her death, there are moments where I have thought about whether I even desire to.  But I have made the decision to be here for those that still need and love me.  My love for my daughter, family and friends will sustain me. I made the decision to stick around to honor and preserve her memory.  I have made the decision to try to accomplish some of the goals she had, like helping her brother and those like him. I have decided not to be angry, but I must admit that I’m struggling with that one.  So, I also decided to get help.

Part of me feels dead inside. But I know it’s not dead, it’s just severely wounded. And wounds can heal unless infected with negative thoughts. As hard as it is, I must choose not to think about whether she suffered. Whether she knew she was dying. I must choose not to think about what we all lost or what she lost. But instead, think of the 21 years of pure joy we all received. The laughs she gave us. Just seeing her made me smile.  It ain’t going to be easy, but it’s necessary. She would not want us to be sad or suffering.

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I visited the bank this week to ask about freezing her account since her wallet has yet to surface.  I had only said the words, “My granddaughter has passed away days before in an automobile accident and her wallet and debit card had not been located,” and before I could ask what to do, the manager gasped and said, “Not Cire!”  She had an account all of two months.  I’ve been banking with Bank of America for twenty years.  No one knew my name! In two short months, everyone in the branch knew her.  He went on about how impressed he was with her at just 21, she seemed focused, determined, and going someplace.  And how the entire branch had been sad for days after hearing the news from an employee’s family member who was also a coach at the same school.  I’m now known in the branch as Cire’s grandmother.  They still don’t know my name, but I proudly accept that title.  She made a lasting impression on everyone she encountered.

Right now, nothing seems to matter. It is a shock and there is numbness. She was part of every decision I made.  Even my decision to go west for a while. Sure, part of it was for me. The weather and lifestyle were healthier for me. But I was also trying to live a long healthy life to be here for her and the rest of my family. I also wanted her to not be afraid to chase her dreams or her happiness, even if it was 3000 miles away.

While there, I was inspired to start writing and became very passionate about storytelling.  But I was pursuing my writing dreams not just for me, but also for her. I wanted to be an example to her to follow her dreams. It’s never too late. And any success I had would be shared with her and the rest of my family. I wanted her to have more than I started with. I wanted her to have an easier life.  I wanted to be able to financially support her dreams and goals. Mostly, I wanted her to know she could do anything she set her mind to.

I was more creative there because I was constantly surrounded by creative folks that could not only inspire me, but may also be able to help, support or collaborate. So, she was even a part of my decision to be away. She has been a part of every choice I have made for 21 years.

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I had this dream of owning a small farm because I wanted to grow my own food, but also because she loved animals. I wanted a big enough house, so she always had a place to go. I drove a safe car so she would be safe in it. Now, the simplest of decisions seem pointless starting with just getting out of the bed.

I’ve tried not to cry because I fear that I will never stop. I feel as if I will never run out of tears. I cannot say I even wanted grands. Didn’t exactly want any new people to worry about. I also know parenting is hard and I wanted my daughter’s life to be easy. I’m so glad she made the decision to ignore my ass. Had she listened to me I would have not enjoyed those 21 year of joy her baby gave us all. No matter how bad everything else might be, that smile would make you forget for a while. It was powerful. So, I thank her for making what I initially thought of as a bad decision. I was wrong.

Now, I have decisions to make. The first is to go on. To get up. To push through the pain. To focus on the life, rather than the death. Easier said than done.

I made the decision not to drink myself to death.  To not to become dependent on meds to sleep and function. I’m needed and I choose to stick around for those that need and love me. My decision to do otherwise would inflict pain on countless folks who have shown just how much they love me in these past few days. Who knew?

I had no idea how much my boss and coworkers cared for me. I mean she’s kept my old ass around for ten years, so there were clues. But she was genuinely heartbroken for me. My granddaughter’s presence was so strong she reached through me and touched others. It’s an unfathomable loss.

The decision to get in that car hurt did not just hurt her, it hurt us, and it hurt those that love us.

I have decided I probably cannot get through this alone. I decided to get help. My decision to do this may encourage others around me to do the same if they need it. All these decisions will affect those that love me.

So, I ask you to always consider the consequences of your decisions. They affect more people than you know.