I am on the tail end of much needed vacation. Earlier this week, I had an outdoor, socially distanced, dinner with my friend Barb. In addition to being a friend, Barb is a psychologist, and when I’m lucky, will write an occasional guest post for me.
Our conversations are always interesting, and never end without something to think about. I almost feel as if our dinner should be covered by my insurance!
During our meal, I shared with her some of the things I’ve been working on during this downtime. (Yes, I worked on my vacation. But, in my opinion, it’s not work when you enjoy it!) With a full-time gig, I must work on my dreams at every opportunity.
As I sat there telling her about all the things I wanted to accomplish through my writing, I could hear that whisper from my inner critic, quietly saying, “Those are some pretty lofty goals Sis! Who do you think you are? You are too old for all these crazy dreams! You should just buy a house with a porch and get yourself a nice rocking chair! Do like everyone else your age and focus on retirement!” I did my best to ignore the whispers. Although I have become increasingly better at it, I still have some work to do. Like my next production, I am a work in progress!
Barb asked me how I have so much energy, and how I stay motivated. I realized that on this trip, most of the friends I reconnected with were on average, 15-20 years younger than I am. All of them are pursuing goals. (Even those that have reached what most would consider success.) As a result, they inspire me. I have also surrounded myself with supportive friends that encourage me.
The company you keep matters!
I spent a lot of time on the beach this week reading, thinking, listening to podcasts, and more often than anything else, listening to the waves. (For me, the equivalent of meditation.) Which is often a better idea than listening to the voices of doubt in my head. I really made a conscious effort to replace every negative thought or doubt with a positive one!
Let you in on another little secret. I had “If you believe” from the original soundtrack of the Wiz in heavy rotation. THE ORIGINAL!!! Dee Dee Bridgewater original! That song brings back such fond memories of when my Mother sent me to see it on Broadway. (I would later take my Daughter to see the same show when Stephanie Mills returned in the 90’s. I will never forget her asking me, referring to Stephanie Mills. “Mommy. Is she that little in real life?” Hilarious. It was her first live theater experience!) But back to 1975. No one believed in me more than Mommy did. It was one of the last things she said to me from the hospital. I certainly can’t blame her on any issues I might have with confidence or self esteem!
I shouldn’t need Glinda the Good Witch or the clicking of any damn heels. And in sand, I would have looked a tad crazy! (Now that I think of it, I might have fit right in considering the beach I was sitting on. But, baby if I had clicked my heels and ended up back in NJ, I would have been pissed!)
Thinking back on the week, once you’ve seen a lady, (I’m guessing 80) on a bike with fairy wings, giant white googles, a pink tutu with a bubble blowing machine attached to her beach cruiser roll by, I doubt anyone would have looked at me clicking some heels in the sand. Oh s*#t! She was totally Fairy God Mothered out! How did I miss that?
But anyway. Back to doubt. Of course, I have moments of doubt. Moments where I feel that familiar fear of failure creeping up on me. The difference is now I hear it coming and real talk, I became pretty skillful this past week at swatting those moments down with thoughts like…..“Can’t? Remember when you…….Remember how you? Girl, you don’t do CAN’T!” As a result, with each passing day, there were far fewer of those moments. As a matter of fact, you know what? F*%k a calendar, a clock and DOUBT! I don’t need an MBA to share what I’ve learned and experienced. I don’t need one to inspire others. I don’t need one to make people laugh.
During our dinner, Barb told me about these mental memos she’s been sharing with her clients. I asked if I could read them, and she happily shared. I read them all, but the one that follows resonated with me the most this week. So, I wanted to share.
I want to thank Barb for allowing me to share this as my blog post this week! It allowed me to focus those hours on writing my new project. (Stay tuned!)
Self Esteem
by Barb Fotsch
Where are you within the narrative of self-esteem, and self-worth? It seems that many of us have decent self confidence in many areas….maybe you say something like ….”I was/am a good student, a good cook, a good writer, artist, photographer”- whatever. We look at our skills and feel pretty darn good.
But somehow the self-esteem thing gets more complicated. It goes a little deeper, doesn’t it? Perhaps we are afraid of success or pull up some kind of crippling doubt that suggests the “imposter syndrome.”
Social media has taken it to a new level, and it is easy to fall into the mental trap that we just aren’t good enough. Many of these thoughts come from our upbringing or painful experiences, but does that mean we will always be sitting around with limiting beliefs about ourselves? I don’t think so.
There are things we can do to help retrain/unlearn these disparaging thoughts. Here are only a few.
- Stop comparing
- Be around positive people, make friends with people who make you feel better
- Calm negative emotions
- Accept compliments
- Develop your competencies
- Eliminate self-critical talk
Most of us have talked about these things in counseling or with friends. We believe in the approach, it’s just hard to do. This leads back to my recent mantra about developing grit…..another term to use is ….”mental toughness.” I love it and encourage us to give more thought to this area.
Damon Zahariades wrote a book called The Mental Toughness Handbook, where he outlines ideas that help us develop a sturdy approach to life. Perhaps we can:
- Learn how to disentangle from things we can’t influence
- Get flexible in handling unexpected events
- Be willing to face uncertain circumstances
- Ask for evidence from our inner critic (remember our inner critic excels in distortion and exaggerated thinking
So, any way we look at it, we have to get movin’. You are a valuable human being and don’t you dare forget it! And that is SELF ESTEEM.
“Once we believe in ourselves, we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous delight, or any experience that reveals the human spirit”. – E.E. Cummings