Ah. Another Hallmark Holiday! While it is marketed as a time to celebrate romance and love, historians seem to believe that its origins have little to do with love! Supposedly there was some feast where men sacrificed goats and dogs and whipped women’s asses with the hides of the slain animals. I know. That was from an NPR article.
According to Noel Lenski, a historian and professor at the Univ. of Colorado and Professor of Classics and History at Yale University, (Who focused mostly on Roman history and the history of the Roman Empire.) the men were drunk, and the women lined up to get beat believing it would make them fertile. WTH? This was followed by women’s names being drawn from a jar by men with whom they would be coupled up with for the duration of this lovely celebration. (Kinda like Tinder)
Okay. So, I’m not done yet! Then this dude murders these two different other dudes named Valentine on Feb. 14th. (I’m paraphrasing of course! Readers Digest version.) Of course, as time passed the “holiday” evolved and somehow made its way from Rome to the US. Shakespeare had made it this romantic thing with handmade paper cards and tokens becoming popular. Of course, someone saw the business opportunity and in 1913 Hallmark began marketing Valentine’s Day greeting cards and it became “a thing.” A multi-billion-dollar thing! Cards. Jewelry. Flowers. Insane.
Okay, I don’t know about you, but that sounds like something to celebrate with flowers and candy! NOT! (Go ahead! Beat me Ike! Beat me! You have to watch the movie “The Brothers.”) Anyway. Reading that story, doesn’t make me feel so bad about ignoring this so-called holiday!
And while a whole lotta folks celebrate this crazy ass holiday, a whole lotta of us do not. This is going to sound like total hate, but in my less than two weeks from 60 years on this planet, the only Valentine’s flowers I received were made from tissue paper and distributed in high school. (Go PHS!) I think we paid ten cents or something and on Valentine’s Day, classes would be interrupted all day by tissue flower deliveries. The most popular would collect them all day, while for others, the only tissues they had were probably crumpled up in their pockets with lint and pennies. Even back then, you were made to feel bad on this bogus holiday if you didn’t collect any tissue flowers! I did collect some flowers back then, but not a one since!
So, being me, I got to thinking about Valentine’s Day, love, relationships, and heartbreak. Because that’s what you might think about around Valentine’s Day, especially if you are alone. Not everyone, of course. But the holiday does sorta highlight your aloneness. (Which many intentionally choose and at this age, and I totally get it!) And when I say alone, I mean, not being in a relationship. That doesn’t necessarily make you lonely. There are many fulfilling relationships outside of the romantic.
Maybe some are not interested in a romantic relationship right now. Maybe you’re taking a break because you’re fresh out of one and recovering from a heart break. I mean, who hasn’t been there? The ending of a relationship can be a good, mutually agreed upon thing, or it can be a devastating experience. It can feel like an unbearable loss for a while. Heartbreak is a bitch! Hurts like hell. I’ve been there. In fact, I own real estate there! (Which at this age, I could sell since I doubt I will be there again any time soon, if ever!)
But here is something interesting I learned. Heart break is not just in your head. It’s in your brain and your actual heart! In 2010 a study conducted by Professor Art Aron, neuroscientist Dr Lucy Brown and two or three others whose names I accidentally deleted, looked at the brains of some heartbroken folks and determined it was clear that emotions triggered brain activity in the same area as areas of the brain associated with physical pain. So, basically, researchers have concluded that emotional and physical pain are processed in the same regions of the brain.
Therapist Courtney Nesbitt, L.C.S.W. states, “I believe 100 percent that a broken heart and emotional pain can negatively affect physical health. The mind is a very powerful organ and heartbreak is a very powerful emotion. When the two combine, it can certainly produce a physical reaction. I’ve even experienced patients who have had a stroke or heart attack from the stress of a breakup.” She cautions that those are extreme cases, but research shows it is total possible!
Did you know there was such a thing as broken heart syndrome? In fact, because the symptoms are so similar, it can often be misdiagnosed as a heart attack. It’s a temporary heart condition brought on my stress and extreme emotions affecting part of the heart by temporarily disrupting the usual pumping function. Your heart might literally skip a beat! (And it ain’t a good thing!)
When we are heartbroken, our brains tell our body we are in physical pain. And just as with physical pain, when we experience emotional pain, our bodies release the stress hormone cortisol. If you’ve read my previous posts on stress, you know that all that cortisol floating around in your body for a prolonged period can wreak havoc on our health. As a result of all of those stress hormones, our heart rate increases, and our muscles tense up like we’re preparing for a fight! Except there is no real fight unless you are counting the battle with those emotions. But, after a while, it becomes like the story of The Boy Who Cried Wolf. Not exactly a good thing for the ole blood pressure either!
And once again, we women are more likely to experience chest pain as a result of the surge of stress hormones cortisol, and adrenaline. And it doesn’t have to be a breakup from a romantic relationship. It could also be the death of a loved one, divorce or separation, or any type of loss or betrayal. This is when our sensitive nature works against us. The bad news is that broken heart syndrome can lead to severe, short-term heart muscle failure and raise the risk for cardiovascular issues. And although its rare, people have died from a broken heart.
“A 2018 study found that widows and widowers were 41 percent more likely to die within the first 6 months after losing their spouse. The researchers suspect this was a result of a 53 percent increased risk of cardiovascular disease.”
The good news is that it’s treatable and reversible.
If you are going through a breakup, this so-called holiday can sting like hell. When you’re used to having someone around and suddenly, they’re gone, it can feel like you’re experience a death. Except the only thing that died was the relationship. Still sucks, and for damn sure still hurts.
So, what can you do no matter what type of loss you’re dealing with? First of all, loss is part of life. Allow yourself time to grieve. Allow yourself to cry. No one every died from crying. Be patient with yourself. Practice self-care and get yourself some social support. (And watch out for bad advice from some of your so-called girls or boys.) If you need it, get yourself some professional help. It’s normal to feel sad for a while, but if it persists or gets worse, you might want to consider therapy. If that sounds weird, move to LA. Everyone has a therapist!
The only remedy for heartbreak is time. I’ve heard it said that the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new. Nah. That s*#t don’t work!
And speaking of which, here’s what not to do! (In my non-professional opinion!)
Don’t attempt to use negative distractions. (Overworking, partying, extreme dating, drinking, drugs, acting out! For women, avoid that Roladix. I meant Roladex.) You can run, but you can’t hide! Better ask Maurice White! (My late 50s and 60’s babies get it!)
Now Happy FN Valentines Day!
https://greatist.com/happiness/science-broken-heart#science-of-heartbreak