The story I am about to share, may or may not be true. (Insert the big eyeball emoji here!) For some, this will be hilarious. For others not so much! But, I thought I would switch it up this week and tackle yet another challenge we women have to deal with. (Because sexism, ageism, A-holes, sagging, wrinkles, dry vagina and hot flashes weren’t enough!) Whether you laugh or cry, I am hopeful you will learn something that will help you or someone you love on their aging journey.
Once Upon A Time (Last Year)
It was a dark and stormy night. I first felt something around 8pm. I sat and waited. It started as a slight, very mild sensation, but the urge only grew stronger as the night went on. I continued to sit there engaged in riveting girl-talk. I tried to ignore it, but it only intensified. I sat there for probably another half hour attempting to ignore the feelings, but they only grew stronger. I finally gave in as the urge grew into a dull pain. I excused myself and ran. Shit! The door was locked. I paced. Finally, my opportunity came. The door was open. I was free to enter. I closed the door and locked it behind me. There was only one obstacle that stood in my way. I tried not to panic. I marched in place frantically. There was a struggle. And that’s when it happened. I was powerless to stop it. I was scared. I just couldn’t make it stop. A warm sensation spread down my left leg all the way to my foot. I felt so helpless. I felt so old. I felt weak and ashamed. I was also mad as hell. I was so close. How could this happen. How could I have lost control this way? What just happened?
Okay, it wasn’t a dark and stormy night. It was the perfect waterfront evening. The sunset was gorgeous. There was rain, but not from the clouds! The urge wasn’t all that strong. There was no real sense of urgency until the last minute and the only obstacle was a pair of spanx that were a struggle to get on in the first place, but the slight meno-pot pouch under that dress just wasn’t working for me. I thought I could hold it! I used to hold it for hours. Even if there was a drip, I could stop it. Not tonight. I wasn’t weak, but those particular muscles were! I f*#king peed on myself standing next to a toilet! Luckily I had on a dress. I was thankful for the stylish plastic flip flops I had on that I could simply rinse in the sink. I threw my drawers in the trash. I couldn’t exactly return to the table with wet drawers in my hand! I rinsed off my leg and foot, dried my flop and returned commando style to the table with that slight roll I had desperately tried to hide exposed for the world to see. (Although it was not foremost on my mind at that particular time.) I was defeated and exposed in more ways than one. Waiter!
That was a Monday night. Tuesday morning I was online researching what I could do to strengthen the muscles down there so I would never have to experience that situation again. I think sex used to help, but uh……….I see the commercials, but no way I’m trying to have to go there. Not if there are options. I’m sure a lot of women are “holders,” as we are typically multitaskers. I’m going to do just one more thing and then I’m going! You ignored it. You might feel a drop or two, but you could always stop it. Well unless you sneezed, coughed or laughed too hard, then all bets are off.) Well, sadly, not this night. There was no stopping it. (Cue up McFadden & Whitehead, “Ain’t no stopping us now!” My Philly folk of a certain age will remember that one!”)
So, my amazon PRIME package arrived a day or so later. I wasn’t messing around waiting on standard delivery. This situation needed to be addressed with the quickness. I was traveling, so I arranged for it to arrive at my destination. The package arrived with no recipient name on it. I guess I’m supposed to be embarrassed. Okay, I kinda was, but it wasn’t like it was some giant dildo. It was a set of kegelbells for God’s sake. The highest rated and best-reviewed gadget I could find. A set of weights attached to a string and this egg shaped object that gets inserted into your whohaa. As your pelvic floor strengthens you gradually increase the weights. Your v-j-j muscles are supposed to work to hold it in. Although strengthening those muscles supposedly improves sexual pleasure, this was definitely not about sex! But, hey BONUS! Win. Win. For now, the only goal was to fix the leaky faucet!
I decided not to attempt to use it until I returned home. I would have had it delivered to my office where all my other Amazon packages go, but seeing how it came without a name on it, I was relieved that I had not sent the package there along with the vitamins I ordered. I imagined hearing the following over the office intercom, “Did anyone order P@#sy weights?” That would be almost as horrifying as the original experience.
It wasn’t until I had to pack this set of metal contraptions in my carryon that I experienced the fear of exposure again. I imagined two male TSA’s going through my luggage looking for all this metal the machine had detected. They would be looking for a weapon and I would have to explain that this weapon was to protect me from embarrassment and would not bring harm to others.
I waited anxiously on the other side of security screening machine as my bag was screened. My heart was beating out of my chest. I followed the guy’s eyes that were looking at the monitor for any signs of concern. Realizing how ridiculous this whole scene was, I started laughing. It is a wonder they didn’t pick me for additional screening as I’m sure I looked quite crazy standing at security, peeking into the machine laughing. It wasn’t a sinister laugh. More like a, “this chick might be waiting on her meds” laugh. As my bag approached I felt a sense of relief, although I was fully prepared to just say to the TSA, “Their vagina weights to keep me from peeing on myself. Go home and ask your mother and let me be on my way!”
My vagina weights and I made it home safely. The creator of Kegelbells stated that used as suggested you would see results in as little as two weeks, but not quite sure how you measure those! I certainly wouldn’t be testing those claims at any waterfront restaurants any time soon.
Follow up to the story that may or may not have actually happened:
I obviously started this post months ago. Back when you could dine in restaurants and you actually went into the office where you worked! I was reminded of it when I recently started this Pilates routine that targeted strengthening your pelvic floor and your abs . (Trying to mix it up with the exercise routines since I STILL can’t go to the gym.) WEAR YOUR MASKS PLEASE! No, not please. Replace “please” with DAMMIT!
So what is the moral of the story? Two out of three women have issues with incontinence. These issues increase with age and chances are it’s much worse than that statistic because many women are too embarrassed to admit that it is actually happening to them. And, like most of the crap that happens in life, incontinence mostly affects women! Always us. I swear.
I read yet another statistic that said it affects 40% of middle aged women aged 40-60 and 50% of women over the age of 60. It’s a gradual thing, which is why most women do not seek treatment or get started with any type of corrective measures. Unchecked, it can seriously affect your quality of life! We don’t want to talk about it and our doctor, in most cases isn’t going to ask. In the mean time, we are walking around fearing sneezing or laughing too hard! And we all need to be laughing too hard at something during these insane times. (You’ll hear me say that a lot! No matter how bad my day is, I try to end it watching something funny.) Anyway, back to something not so funny for now…
Dr. Julie Holland writes, “Julie Holland, “Hello wrinkles, good bye dry undies. Three quarters of women 45-54 have urinary incontinence, weaken sphincters with less collagen, which is why they lose elasticity.” See and you were only concerned about collagen affecting your face! (she has a great book called #Moody Bitches that I have mentioned in previous posts.) https://www.naturalmood.com/moody-bitches.html
So what can you do to prevent or reverse these issues? Strengthen the pelvic floor! Pelvic floor muscles support the bladder and pelvic floor exercises are the foundation for all therapies. If done correctly, they work! So, you don’t need to smuggle weights through airport security! There are gadgets you can buy and exercises you can do instead.
You can start with the Kegelbells. Referred to on their website as the “Vagina Gym!”
Hear from Kegelbell’s founder Stephania Schull, PHD
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S0IpJkErPFs&feature=youtu.be
https://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-lifestyle/womens-health/in-depth/kegel-exercises/art-20045283
Ultimate Pelvic Floor Workout I found on Youtube: (There are jelly beans involved! Don’t ask! For those of us that would rather watch and read!)
So, don’t just be pissed! Do something about it. But speaking of pissed……….If you want to be pissed about something. Be pissed about the state this country is in. And then do something about that. VOTE! And not to get too political, but you only have two choices in November.
1. Sanity
2. Insanity
Love it! Congratulations on your accomplishments! From one hometown friend to another. Do your thing girl!
Hey! Thanks for subscribing and reading! Great to hear from you. Let’s catch up.
I second that! I love your blog! You are hilarious and ever so talented.
On the other hand, I think I can go 1 better. Imagine wearing a pair of shape wear for the 1st time, and rolling 😳 down the waist band. Just as it begins to squeeze mid gut, you realize you can’t pull your shape wear up or down, fast enough and you can’t hold it any longer. Some times you just have to let it go!
Needless to say, I gave up shape wear!
First of all, Thank you! I truly appreciate your support and encouragement. It means a lot to me. You have no idea. It makes me very happy to know that people are enjoying my stories and writing. And there is nothing more satisfying to me than making someone laugh. (okay, I remember there used to be!) I LOVE stand up comedy, but I never understood why comedians got up there and tortured themselves. I totally get it. Making someone laugh makes you feel really good AND since I totally believe that laughter is important to not only physical but mental health, making someone laugh is extremely rewarding. One of the highlights of my life was hearing that first burst of laughter from the audience at my play debut. Two days later, I cried.
Now on your story! I would totally expect you to one-up me! lol. Thanks for sharing. S*#t happens. I didn’t give up shapewear, but I stick to the tops! That lower gut is on its own! I’m working on it, but it will be there until it’s not! I won’t be fighting with any spandex any time EVER.
Virtual hugs!