My Black is NOT Cracking.

Guest Contributor: Barb Fotsch  LCSW

Are you? I mean REALLY talkin’ to me… I have so much to say about so many things. That’s what happens as you age.  We get more contemplative, hopefully kinder, more encouraging to those who have more ahead of them. I want my approach to life to have social dexterity, to help me maneuver through the disparity between comfort and fear.  

When I was told about my breast cancer diagnosis, I froze. No affect, no emotion, no thoughts really, just frozen stiff – it was my fear undercover.  I doubt I ever had that feeling before. A robber had entered my body, unannounced as robbers do;  I stared ahead, at first holding the pain at bay receiving the steel blow with ineptitude.  Oh that’s right…..“A soul anxious about the future is most vulnerable.” Seneca. But I was clearly concerned about the future that was completely in my face. 

It’s been 2 years since facing my health scare. I’m still scared frankly. As aging weighs on my shoulders, I have to be very intentional, It helps being an avid reader. We can easily find comfort. My point to all this is for us to ask ourselves….”What do we want?”

I would much rather regulate life without something hanging over my head.  But now that it’s here, what do we do with difficult news or other complex circumstances, even this darn COVID.

There is a book, (Brown, Juanita, The World Cafe: Shaping Our Futures Through Conversations That Matter, Berrett-Koehler Publishers, 2005) which has prompted me to think about various happenings with a broader, more optimistic outlook. 

World Cafe Book

The “World Cafe” concept has been used in many cultures and includes the following dimensions:

Belief in everybody, diversity, invitation, listening, movement, good questions, energy with an objective of fostering good relationships and a collective insight.

Point:  It takes us out of ourselves 🙂 The process integrates conversation as a core strategy to add value to our quality of life. Obviously a short piece like this can not adequately explain the details, but here is a framework to add to your toolbox.

1. Create hospitable spaces…ex, your patio, a park, …during these times, outside is likely better
2. Discuss questions that matter...that is, powerful questions that stimulate discussion such as “”what questions are we not asking that might make a situation better?” 

3. Encourage everyone’s contribution….inclusion, avoid dwelling on past problems or obstacles
4. Attempt to introduce diverse perspectives…obviously this requires listening w/out judgement and must leave room for new and different input
5. Listen for patterns, insights, deeper questions…do you notice anything? 
6. Share collective discoveries…how does this raise your awareness of the “bigger picture

This process focuses on the “culture of connection, not division”     which often happens as we go through life, vividly demonstrated in today’s social landscape. By learning to welcome all that arrives, rather than hold on to rigid thinking we expand the possibilities, & likely feel more relaxed, more interested in others. We hunger to laugh, don’t we? Montaigne says “The surest sign of wisdom is constant cheerfulness.” Well it’s unlikely our cheerfulness will be constant, but we might try to open our hearts to a loving virtue and work at disassociating with sourness or a quarrelsome attitude. This will take practice, but it will start with meaningful, open connection no matter our age.  So yes……I’m talkin’ to YOU!

Special Thanks to Barb for her contribution to this Blog

I miss my daily conversations with my friend Barb. I don’t think she realized how inspiring she was to me. Having lost my mother to cancer and I’m sure it was breast cancer one of those times, I had a pretty negative outlook. So meeting and befriending this survivor was huge for me. She continues to inspire me from afar!

As I worked on my blog for many months, she encouraged me daily. She often told me that I was an inspiration to her. That was nice to hear because after all, that is one of the main purposes of establishing this blog.

If I was writing, she would silently join me and wait for me to come up from whatever I was studying, reading or writing, rather than interrupt. She always had a book and a smile! We could sit and enjoy each other’s company without saying much. We would take walks and talk about a lot of things. (A lot about aging. Not growing old! Aging!). Of course, she’s the psychologist, but I don’t look at them the same way. In any event, I invited her to share whenever she wanted, so this is her second guest post.

I will be back next week with the first of a three-part series on the anti-aging benefits of detoxing your mind, body and environment! In the interim, I hope you enjoyed some guidance from an actual expert!