My Black is NOT Cracking.

There are no words to describe the heartbreak.  On Tuesday, May 31^st, I texted my granddaughter the following text message about safe driving.  Four days later she would die in a speeding car in the very way I spoke of in my text. (As the passenger!) One side of my heart is broken due to my own loss, and the other side is broken for my daughter and my grandson’s loss. She was his sister and best friend.

(Pop Pop hated when I told her what he said.) Ironically, I wrote about the importance of slowing down in a post a few weeks ago when I was almost run into oncoming traffic.

5/31/22

“Pop-up said you drive too fast. Driving fast doesn’t make you look cool. It makes you look stupid. If you accidentally hurt someone you can go to jail for that. Not to mention you have your brother in the car. Getting someplace a few minutes earlier is not worth risking your lives, or the lives of others. I know you’ve had bad examples of driving.  Take your time and get their alive! Again, driving too fast does not make you look cool. And when the light turns green, don’t go immediately! Wait and look both ways because people are running red lights like crazy and if one person runs a red light and hits you, they can take you out! People are driving crazy these days to the point where I don’t even like driving anymore. Everybody is in a rush to get nowhere! It’s not worth dying over. So, slow the hell down!”

My Granddaughter, known to most of my friends as “Noodle,” was named Cire Angelynn Forman. She was an amazing human being.  Everything I do has been for her, her brother, and my daughter. (Real talk. It’s been mostly for her. That’s bad. I know, but I was in love with this kid.)  I always wanted to be a great role model and to prove to her that dreams are possible and to always follow them.  I hoped that (by this point) I would have had some success and prove to her that it was never too late to begin or to start over.  It’s okay to fail; just fail forward! She was my inspiration.  Like me, she had big goals and big dreams and there is no doubt in my mind, she would have accomplished anything she set her mind to do.  She had a huge heart and was loved by many and all.

I wrote what follows the morning after her death.  Yesterday and the day before, I watched countless people of all ages, race, and religion mourn this profound loss.  From her friends; to her basketball coaches, teammates, her family, her mom’s friends, and my friends; the pain was shared.  It was no secret to anyone that knows me that my Noodle was the center of my universe and today everything I do or plan to do seems so pointless.  It was more for her than anyone else. I dreamed of creating a show that won an Emmy one day.  And although it might piss off my daughter, Cire was going to be my date. She has owned my heart from the day she took her first breath, and she takes a huge chunk of it with her.  I know my daughter and grandson still need me, so I hope what’s left of my heart, keeps beating.

I went home last night and sat on the sofa.  I couldn’t sit there.  Just a week before she came over for dinner (after the usual, “Mom Mom, what are you cooking?” text.  Actually, it was short hand. “Wha u cookn.” ) and as always, moments after eating she would be spread out on the floor. Knocked out!  Without fail she would eat and fall asleep, so I learned to have any conversation with her before I fed her. 

She loved to fish, so I have been desperately trying to find a house for us to go back to Martha’s Vineyard this summer.  I took my daughter, the kids, and one of her friends in 2018.  They had a ball, and she couldn’t wait to return.  I couldn’t wait to take them.  It was the best vacation ever.  Even though she funked up my rental with fish bait and was insulted when no one wanted to cook and eat the fish she fileted to shreds watching a Youtube video on the deck.  By the time she was finished it looked like something that had come out of a can.  (Wasn’t nobody eating that damn fish! lol) I have always loved Martha’s Vineyard and went for many years.  I don’t know that I can go back without her.

For her 21^st birthday she wanted to go to Miami Beach.  She wanted to jetski.  I would have preferred she just play in the sand with a bucket and shovel, but those days were long gone.  Once on the beach, she just walked up to this couple’s umbrella in front of ours, climbed into the empty chair and was about to help herself to what was in the cooler.  They just laughed.  That face was irresistible. I’ve always been overprotective. I longed for those days where we could watch over her around the clock.  Those days when I could protect her.  We were to leave in a matter of days for South Beach. I just cried my way through that cancellation with American Airlines and the Hyatt.

A little over a year ago, she lost her bestie ‘White Boy Zach” (That’s what she called him. No racists in this family!) in a motorcycle accident.  She was heartbroken.  She climbed out of a window I believe, to escape quarantine just to be there.  I scolded her, and called her the outbreak monkey, but there was no stopping her.  She loved him.  There were video after video of them dancing. I was glad that she had him in her life.  I can only hope they’re dancing together again.

I don’t know how to get through this week, much less the deafening silence when the noise of this week is over, and the sound of her voice is just gone. I hope she finds a way to speak to me.

One thing I know is that she knew she was loved.  BY MANY.  BY ALL.

6/4/22

My Noodle

She was an amazing, kind, generous and thoughtful soul.

Some kids bring home rescue animals. Cire used to bring home rescue people. Babies. Friends that needed a place to stay. My daughter would just buy more groceries because her daughter got the generosity gene from her mother.

She inherited her love of creatures and her eyebrows from her dad. You Name it she had it. Rabbits, ferrets, turtles, dog, cat, fish, lizards.  When I told her I was looking at farms she was excited about finally getting a pig!

I used to brag about her all the time. I was so proud of her. She literally could do anything. Think she got that from me. Yeah. I’m owning that one.  She was creative and multi-talented.

I even bragged on her when it was inappropriate! (INSERT BIG EYED EMOJI HERE!) Like the time she whupped that girls ass after she bent down and cleaned off her shoe. The right hook on this girl. (or was it the left?) She was a beast. Beauty and the beast but only if…..She was a gentle soul.  She didn’t start the fight.  She just finished it.  Don’t mess with Suga-Re!

Many of my people never knew her real name. They just knew her as Noodle. A name I gave her at birth. She was long, thin, and pale. Like linguine.  She was born tall!

She recently asked me how she go about starting a sports foundation for autistic children and children on the spectrum like her brother. My Noodle was always looking for ways to give. She truly had a heart of gold. (Guess I have to figure that out!)

You’re going to hear me talk about my Noodle a lot more.  You’ve been warned.  As soon as I can gather my thoughts and put them into words, I will continue.  Until then, I will need some time. 

My heart is broken.  She absolutely took a piece of me with her.  She was my light on any dark days.  She was my sunshine no matter the weather.  My heart will never beat the same again.  There is a hole in it that will never be refilled. There is nothing to take for this pain, but time.

(I can’t read this again. I keep crying. I apologize for any typos.)