My Black is NOT Cracking.

WOW.  That was the name of a podcast I intended to produce with my daughter.   It stood for Whine Over Wine, or Wine over Whine, I kept changing my mind. 

It could also stand for Women on Women. (And not in a sexual way! No fantasy here. This here is real!) It could stand for women offending Women.  Women…..fill in the blank- women. This week’s post is a bit of a rant. Forgive me.

In my observation, and again, I say MY observation, it seems as though no one is harder on women, than other women.  Why are women so highly critical of each other?  Especially when it comes to the topic of aging.  “She needs to dye! (Hair that is!  Not actual death!)  She needs to stop dying?  She can’t wear that? It’s too much.  It’s too little!”   “What was she thinking?” We can be super critical of other women.

First of all, there seems to be this obsession with perfection and not only in others, but with ourselves.  Never mind that the perception of perfection is a bit off.  And why are we trying so hard to be perfect any damn way?  Why don’t we believe that we are all already perfect just the way we are? I’m as guilty as the next girl.  Our aging appearance is a hard pill to swallow for most.  I get a little jealous of younger women. I know I’m not alone here.  I’ve seen the proof. We are never going to look like we did 10, 20, or dare I say 30 years ago.  We’re older.  Why are we 50-60, but trying to be the perfect 35-year-old?  We cut and pull and tuck and tape.  And guess what?  We look like an older lady that has cut, pulled, tucked, and taped!

And what’s with the FILTERS? Why are we hiding behind filters?  Basically, self-airbrushing ourselves to perfection.  Eventually, people will see the “real” you. Everyone wants to look good in the photo, but why do we need so many damn photos in the first place? We weren’t taking all these photos when you had to pay to get them developed and we were fine. We survived without selfies! No one was waiting around for likes?  Waiting for validation that we still got it?  Only models and influencers (whatever that means) get paid to pose.  The rest of us are wasting precious time.  (Our most valuable resource!) Posing to get the “perfect” picture.  Perfect to who?  Us, or someone else?  I mean, we aren’t just taking photos of ourselves to look at?  Are we? Say it isn’t so. And why are we scrolling through looking at all the photos of other women, many of whom are looking for attention or validation themselves.  Sadly, many of us are comparing ourselves to their 90^th photo, filtered to perfection and wondering why we feel bad. I’m a little guilty.  I don’t even like being in photos now.  I see myself and I’m never pleased. I’m damn sure not going to take 88 more.  I’m not taking any.  Even with building my business, I’m told repeatedly, it’s more personal if they see you.  Do I have to?  (Insert sad faced emoji here!)

I recently started watching the Sex in the City reboot called “And Just Like That” which pretty much sums up how I feel about life right now. Where did the time go?  I watched the original series and was always entertained, even though I couldn’t really relate.  The reboot is a whole other story.  I can TOTALLY relate, and I love it!  I mean, killing off Big both on and off screen sucks, but I look forward to each episode as SJP navigates reinventing herself just a few years younger than I am. I love the gray hair she is proudly sporting even though I’ve not yet been courageous enough to do so myself  Real talk, I think she’s able to pull it off because she (or her character, Carrie) has a lot of style.  It is all in the presentation! (I’m working on it.) I totally get this show.  What I totally don’t get is all of the criticism you read, (Although I try not to. I did so as research for this post. lol I know. Who researches a rant?) about how old she looks or about her gray hair.  And guess where it’s coming from?  OTHER WOMEN!  Just brutal. 

I swear, women are often each other’s worst critics.  And what do we gain by devaluing other women?  Is it attempt to feel better about ourselves?   IT WILL NEVER WORK.  Is it based on a natural competitive nature?  Having a flash back to high school when you might have been competing for the attention of some boy?  Are we still competing?  (Most likely to some degree. )Or just hating.  And why?  Fear?  Jealousy?  Low self-esteem?  Lack of confidence? Or just lacking something more constructive to do with your time?

And although this issue is not specific to older women (because younger women appear to be even worse!!!!) as always, I write for my core audience. (Middle-aged, older women, and men who probably wonder the same thing.)

Aging is some scary shit and we’re bombarded with messages telling us to “accept it! Age gracefully.”  And at the same time on a different channel, are the messages that tell us, “We can fix that!  You don’t have to look your age! You don’t have to sport that silver hair, that sagging neck and wrinkled pits! The bottom line is fear and insecurity are the main reasons we struggle with the idea of aging.  And if we saw more women on TV and in media that look like SJP and the rest of the cast of “And Just Like That,” maybe we wouldn’t feel the pressure to appear to be something we are not.  YOUNG!

Look, women have always wanted to look good.  This is not new.  It has been that way since the beginning of damn time. We all want to look and feel beautiful.  That’s totally normal. Obsessing? Not so much. Most of us, if not all, want to feel desirable.  Maybe some still feel stuck in that need to compete for attention. (If you are in search of a companion, I get it.) The need to outdo.  And, in order to feel better about our own faces and bodies, feel the need to criticize someone else’s.  To compare ourselves to them.  I think most of us are guilty of this at one time or another. 

I’ve sat with women who again, will remain nameless and listened to them criticize almost every woman that walked by!  There were times when I was thinking some of what they may be saying, but I recognized it as a problem.  Like, “I can’t wear that any longer and look good, so why does this b*t#h have to prance by and remind me?” Just hatin’! Because she can! Maybe you used to be here.  USED TO BE!  Now you are you, and you better get used to it because you will never be anyone else.  You will never be 20, 30, 40, or in my case, 50 again! Better learn to love the you that you are now.  It hasn’t been easy for me. I can admit that. All we can be is the best version of ourselves at the age we are.

I had a conversation with a friend who shall remain nameless about accepting my aging face.  As someone ten years my senior, I asked her how she handled her aging face. She said, “I never considered myself beautiful anyway, so there really wasn’t a traumatic adjustment.”  I’m paraphrasing, but it’s basically what she said.  She said the more attractive you were, the harder it probably is.  I was stuck on the fact that she never felt beautiful to start with.  Quite honestly, neither did I.  I never thought of myself as unattractive. But, not beautiful.  As a teen, I felt my nose was too big.  My lips were too small.  (Teen shit. Damn shame. They’re even smaller now.) I was too skinny.  (Until I wasn’t!) There were times I felt more confident than others. I certainly didn’t interpret advances from men to mean I was hot.  As I’ve said many times before, I just figured it was because I was a girl.  But I digress.  For whatever reason, she accepted her face as she said to me, “I was cute with a good personality.”  She was never consumed or focused on “beauty.” Her focus was now on being happy and enjoying the rest of her life, not standing in the mirror counting cracks or missing eyebrow hairs.  Having fun. Having friends. Having fulfilling work.

The deal is when you are truly happy with yourself you no longer feel the need to criticize others.  And not “mirror” happy. Inside happy. When you are focused on fulfilling your own purpose, and find satisfaction in your own life, you don’t feel the need to compare, compete or criticize.  When you find your happy, (Which only you can do) there is nothing to be envious of.